Asterios Kills A Kid #7: Women Sure Are Complicated

October 4, 2018

Boys Discover These 3 Tricks to Finding Love. Can You Guess Them All? (Hint: Fortnite)

I'm Producer Jesse and I may have made a mistake. I set up search analytics for our website,, and noticed that we were showing up in some odd search results for things like "veggietales transcript" and hardcore porn.

So I sent it along to Asterios and Sriracha for a laugh and well... if three episodes from now the entire podcast is just keywords you know who to blame.

But until then let's see what questions we've got this week! First up, here's one from CRINGE, our old friend from episode 3.

“I must ask another question because it's a pressing issue, my cousin is visiting my area from France and he looks way better than me. I'm basically a fat manlet version of him. So he's attracting all of the chicks. I thought after his nose broke during a soccer game it would severely take him down a few notches. But it didn't because now he's getting more attention because of it. Any advice on how I can be better than him somehow without injuring myself for sympathy? Thanks.” – CRINGE the edgelord, 16

Continuing on his path to becoming a better person, CRINGE aspires to become better than his cousin. Instead of pointing out that this probably isn't healthy, Asterios and Sriracha dive right into ways to take this cousin's French ass down.

Our next questioner has a problem from the other side of the river.

“I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago and I haven't talked to her since. I'm starting to miss her what do I do?” – David, 17

Many of our listeners might not be able to relate, but those that can might benefit from Asterios and Sriracha's advice: DON'T DO IT.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on our listeners. Some of them have very legitimate reasons for not going out with girls, like Luke:

“How do I meet girls? I go to an all boys school and my social circle is entirely composted of guys, what do I do?” – Luke, 16

In the face of this problem Asterios can't help but let his inner boomer show through, but Sriracha comes to the rescue with two little letters: T.A. Good luck out there Luke!

Have a question for Asterios and Sriracha? Make sure to keyword stuff that baby and send it on down from our submit question page. Or leave a voicemail at (347) 705-7617.