Asterios Kills A Kid #1: I Never Wanna To Grow Up!

February 12, 2018

Welcome to the very first episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! We've got a site, the sound bits, a sexy thumbnail* – no workflow though! Who's supposed to write these descriptions? I don't know, I'm just the web designer. Ah well, fuck it here I go.

In this very first episode of AKAK, Sriracha looks back on her time in girl scouts: particularly on a struggle she had with a girl named Kylie Eickelberg over their troupe crest. I won't tell you how the story ends, but I will say to check back soon for Kylie's phone number and home address.

Asterios and Sriracha's first question was from a 13 year old girl. She writes:

Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean. I cry now in my closet hugging my favorite stuffed animals because I just don't want to grow up. The only person I've "talked" to about it is my favorite stuffed animal. I've been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I'd do ANYTHING to be 8 again. Please help me! —Growing Up, 13

If you don't know what DDLG* is, get prepared to immediately repress it. Also, Asterios delivers some good news to everyone out there worrying about growing up: in America, you can stay a child forever.

Moving on, Carrie writes:

My boyfriend and I have been going for ten llloooooooooonnng months. Recently I've found myself getting irritated with him all the time. He's very clingy, and even though I've talked to him about it, he won't give me space. He liked me for a lot longer than I have liked him and every time he thinks I'm even slightly annoyed with him he feels the need to call me and talk about our feelings. I have been considering breaking up with him for awhile now because I'm just not happy with him any more, but I don't want to regret it later or hurt him because he is very sensitive. —Carrie, 16

Our hosts both agree: get him a super-hobby. And taking on the role of internet historian, Sriracha recounts the sad saga of Chris Chan.

Speaking of sad stories, this last boy writes:

This year I was pushed forward a grade and now I have no friends in class. I have been trying to make friends, but today at lunch I had a hole in the front of my track pants and "it" flopped out. I was sitting on the floor and the whole class saw. I did not notice until a girl told me. I don't know what to do. I will never make friends now. I tried to convince my mom to home school me and she said no. Help! —Embarrassed, 7

Asterios and Sriracha are divided on how to handle Penis Boy's problem. Asterios shares some elaborate techniques for damage control, while Sriracha's advice is just wait it out and enjoy your smart-kid muffins.

 

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If you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page on www.asterioskillsakid.com.

* Absolutely NOT pedophilia.

 

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TRANSCRIPT:

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]

Asterios: Alright. What's this podcast we're doing?

Sriracha: "Asterios Kills a Kid".

Asterios: Oh- I don't- is that the name of it?

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: Okay, I like that name. Originally it was called "Asterios Kokki-Knows". You remember that?

Sriracha: Now it's called "Asterios Kokki-Kills a Kid".

Asterios: Okay, that's harder to spel- let's just go with "Asterios Kills a Kid". For SEO purposes.

Sriracha: [laughs] I like it.

Asterios: Because no one's been able to spell "Kokki-Knows". It's, it's not gonna work.

Sriracha: Uh, but can they spell "Kokki-Kill a kid?"

Asterios: No! They- that's what I'm saying, just "Asterios Kills a Kid." [Sriracha laughs] I like that.

Sriracha: I don't know that sets up a whole precedent though like do we have to kill the kids? Or can we just severely injure the kids?

Asterios: Well, we're not doing anything. We're just giving advice. Alright so here's how this show works. It's based on a Five Minute Podcast concept, and if you don't know what that is that's not that important. But a listener of mine, named Jesse, every month he would send me real questions from kids. And he would want me to- to answer them! Like the kinds of questions from kids that would be in "Seventeen Magazine" or, uh what are other kid- like "Teen Beat" what- what do kids read I dunno!

Sriracha: "Girl... Talk"

Asterios: Is that a magazine?

Sriracha: No "Girls' Life." That's what it is.

Asterios: [interjecting] "Girls' Life?"

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Yeah exactly! Which is the worst "Boys' Life". My god.

Sriracha: Is "Boys' Life" a thing?

Asterios: Yeah "Boys' Life" is great, it would teach you how to like set fires and stuff and... like how to tie tourniquet, and then "Girls' Life" was all like, "Here's the highlighter you'll need to not get bullied this year."

Sriracha: Why the fuck [laughs] were they teaching- why would you ever need to tie a tourniquet if you're a 14 year old boy?

Asterios: That's what the boy scouts is. The boy scouts is training you for woodland adventures you will never have.

Sriracha: What like a James Franco's "148 Hours" situation?

Transcriber's Note: the film is actually called "127 Hours"

Asterios: Ab-so-lutely, as a kid I learned how to tie a tourniquet in Boy Scouts. They would teach you how to treat severe third degree burns. They would teach you how to tie obscure knots that were used on ships in the seventeen hundreds that you would never need. What did they teach you in girl scouts?

Sriracha: I actually was a girl scout and not- our girl scouts did a lot of hiking for some reason? We also did a lot of singing. For [laughs] I don't know why.

Asterios: Really?

Sriracha: Yes. [laughs]

Asterios: Like what would you guys sing like the national anthem or "The Star Spangled Banner?"

Sriracha: I have no fucking clue but there was a girl names Kylie Eickelberg [laughs]

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: Kylie Eickelberger, who- oh my god this pissed me off so much, I just have very- one specific weird memory about girl scouts. So when you're a girl scout you have to decide on a troupe crest, right?

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: Between- from like the standard twenty designed embroidered patches that they sell right?

Asterios: Mhmm.

Sriracha: So, a lot of them were flowers. Specific types of flowers? There was like a unicorn; I was partial to the unicorn. I thought it looked really cute.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: So one day we had to vote, and Kylie Eickelberger was super popular and for some reason she was like bizarrely obsessed with dogs? Like you know "horse girls" right?

Asterios: Yeah!

Sriracha: This girl was a dog girl.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: And one of the flowers there was ugly, but it was called Dogwood.

Asterios: [interjecting] Yes!

Sriracha: And she convinced the whole troupe to vote for it- I'm like, motherfucker, the only reason you like this is because it has the word "dog" in it you transparent whore.

Asterios: Okay: A) That's a little harsh for you to call an eleven year old girl who was-

Sriracha: Nah, fuck you!

Asterios: Okay: B) It's not like dogwood is shaped like little dogs. It's just ugly—

Sriracha: [interjecting] It's ugly white flowers, and the word dogwood was not even printed on the patch. It was just the name of the patch. So we had to wear these ugly-ass dogwood crests for no other reason than the fact that Kylie wanted something with the word "dog."

Asterios: Alright, well I guess that's our first bit of advice, like, if Kylie Eickelberger tries to fuck over your troupe with a dumb non-flower crest just go "Fuck you you-" what did you call her?

Asterios: [in unison] A transparent whor-

Sriracha: [in unison] A transparent bitch. [laughs]

Asterios: I think you- what you said was worse than that.

Sriracha: Nah I don't think so.

Asterios: Alright. So um...

Sriracha: Is that doxing? [laughs]

Asterios: No, it is. But what- also whatever.

Sriracha: No, but she got married so she changed her last name.

Asterios: Perfect! And, [sighs] is it really doxing if she's so terrible? I mean—

Sriracha: [interjecting] It's just saying her name, I'm not saying she's- well I'm clearly saying she did something wrong, but... fifteen years ago.

Asterios: I think you're cool. I mean like, that's a terrible thing to do. And Kylie, if you're listening... email us and apologize.

Sriracha: Apologize.

Asterios: Alright!

Sriracha: Email into the show, we will read your apology on air.

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: Nobody's gonna to listen to this.

Asterios: What are you talking about? Nobody's going to listen to a podcast called "Asterios Kills a Kid?"

Sriracha: Asterios Kokki-Kills a-

Asterios: Tha- we're not calling it that. That's impossible to google.

Sriracha: Kokki-Kills a Kit 'n Kaboodle.

Asterios: [laughs] Oh god now you're making it- alright. Bottom line, on this show, which Jesse, again hat-tip he designed the website, he's the reason we're doing this 'cause he, every month he would send different questions from kids. We're gonna answer real questions from kids and we're gonna give them real advice. So this is the kind of podcast that I want you the listener to listen to with your kid. Get your kid. Sit 'em down. 'Cause they're gonna learn valuable lessons. Like, they've already learned like, "Don't fuck up your flowers or fifteen years later podcasters are gonna dox you.

Sriracha: I'm just saying- it's not- saying someone's name is not doxing.

Asterios: Suuure it's nooot...

Sriracha: It's not like I'm saying like, where she works.

Asterios: Oooh of course, noo of course- alright look. Let's get to our first question.

Sriracha: Ready.

Asterios: Here's our first question. These questions were sent to us by Jesse. I've never read them. So... if there's terrible stuff in these questions, blame Jesse.

Sriracha: Oh that's great, great podcast setup. [Asterios laughs]

Asterios: "Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean." I don't. Know what that...

Sriracha: I- I have no idea and I'm scared now.

Asterios: Okay, "I don't want to grow up. I don't want to tell my Mom because I am super embarrassed about it. But I really need help. I've been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I'd do ANYTHING to be 8 again. I still have a nightlight, sleep with 10 million stuffed animals, and play with all my Barbies. I refuse to go to school dances and struggle in math. I freak out every day because I just don't want to grow up. I want to play on playgrounds forever. I want my Mom to still read me bedtime stories. I just want to be little. Please help me!" Signed, "Growing Up, 13"

Sriracha: Well Growing Up 13, I got some really good news for ya, ready? [Asterios laughs] We got this thing called DDLG now? Age play? You're gonna fucking shit yourself.

Asterios: What are you even talking about?

Sriracha: You don't know what that is?

Asterios: No!

Sriracha: Oh okay, so let me describe DDLG, which is absolutely NOT pedophilia. So, DDLG stands for "Daddy Dom - Little Girl." [fainting sounds from Asterios] And it is a sexual fetish that involves - usually the man - being a dominating... pretending that uh the girl is a small child. Remember, absolutely not pedophilia-

*Asterios:* Sure.

Sriracha: -or a symptom of maybe something wrong in your brain. Oh we and- best thing about growin' up 13- Growing Up 13? You know what? We can't say shit about this anymore. We have to all just be like, "Okay yeah that's alright." [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah you're right.

Sriracha: We're yeah two consenting adults. Yeah, that's fine.

Asterios: If we say there's something wrong with them we're trying to control people's bedroom behavior.

Sriracha: You don't wanna yuck anybody's yums Asterios.

Asterios: I still can't believe that's a real phrase.

Sriracha: It's not. [laughs]

Asterios: No it is, I've heard "don't yuck my yum" with- in reference to like bronies and furries and stuff. You know how like we're not allowed to make fun of furries and bronies because it's like, their body their choice. Their costume, covered in blank, their... it's just like: wow. Maybe republicans are right. Maybe things are too PC.

Sriracha: Yeahh, I think we need to build the wall, but around BronyCon. Not like, forget Mexico they can all come in like, we need to build a wall around every anime convention centre.

Asterios: YUP.

Sriracha: In the United States.

Asterios: Yeah that sounds like an appropriate use of- alright. Here's what I would tell this little girl. Okay, A) I would not tell her about the sexual fetish where she gets to pretend to be a little girl fucking her dad. I wouldn't tell her that. Here's what I would tell her: honestly, in America you can be a child forever. Think about Seth Rogan, and James Franco, and all these "Freaks and Geeks" kids. They are living in "Arrested Development:" a non-stop childhood. James Franco is almost forty now, and he's still acting like a little teenage creep. And he'll act like a teenage creep until he dies! If you become rich, you can be a kid forever. Think about, our president! [solemnly] Our great president Donald J. Trump who I voted for and support. [back to normal] He has a button on his desk in the White House, but when he pushes the button? Someone brings him a Coke.

Sriracha: I've heard he drinks twelve Diet Cokes a day, is that true?

Asterios: I've heard- look. I'm not gonna go out on a limb and say exactly how many diet cokes he drinks a day but the word around the water cooler is the guy drinks a lot of Diet Cokes. And he's also tweeted before, "I've never seen a skinny person drinking a Diet Coke. Which is a weird self-own.

Sriracha: Yeah he is also very fat.

Asterios: Yeah, but what I'm sayin' is, having a red button that you push and someone brings you a soda? That's what like a five-year-old would draw in an inventions contest.

Sriracha: Dude you're absolutely right. I never thought about that before but you're right.

Asterios: Yeah!

Sriracha: Like if you were a kid [unintelligible] [talking in dumb kid voice] "I'm gonna have Kentucky Fried Chicken every day for dinner and Imah have a button in my president office that I push and they bring me a Coke on a silver tray!" Like it sounds like a child's fantasy of what being in power is like.

Asterios: It's absolutely does.

Sriracha: And homework's illegal!

Asterios: Yes! It's so... so Growing Up 13, you can dress like you're young forever. Like you can- you can. If you're in your thirties and you're just wearing pajamas and stuff, that's like a style. There's girls in New York in their thirties and forties and all they wear are yoga clothes. Like, all they're wearing are sweat pants and sweat shirts.

Sriracha: See I was gonna say get involved in Lolita culture.

Asterios: I-

Sriracha: Shut up it's not a sex thing! I'm talkin' about like the clothing style. Haven't you ever seen like those cute little... uh women in the Japanese fashion magazines that like have the parasol and the whole like Victorian dress?

Asterios: Okay, you're talking about the "Gothic Lolita Harajuku Girl" style.

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: Okay, you understand that Lolita is a Russian book-

Sriracha: I know what the word means I'm not retarded.

Asterios: I didn't think you- okay [exasperated groan] oh my God you're the most problematic girlfriend in the world.

Sriracha: Okay, I don't have a "learning disability". I know what the word means.

Asterios:[sighs] There are kids listening to this!

Sriracha: [innocently] Hi kids!

Asterios: Anyway. Yeah! Just get rich. You can walk around in sweats all day. You can eat candy for dinner. They made a- there's a chain of candy stores called Dylan's Candy Shop, which is about selling candy to like rich women. So you could- you could eat licorice for dinner all goddamn day!

Sriracha: They got a wall in the one in Manhattan-

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: With uh, celebrities, when celebrities come in they get to pick their favorite little box of candy and then they do a little signature, it's like "Ooh Kendall Jenner eats Kit-Kats just like me!"

Asterios: Oh my God.

Sriracha: She definitely does not.

Asterios: No, no she absolutely- no I think that she has probably trained her body to- the moment she sees a Kit-Kat immediately throw up just in case.

Sriracha: You're about to ingest it, she just has to smell it. It's like that uh, when you- like when you drink too much next morning you smell vodka and wanna vomit.

Asterios: Yeah, there was a pill that alcoholics would take in the 80's that would make you vomit at even the smell of alcohol.

Sriracha: That sounds really inconvenient. [Asterios laughs]

Asterios: Yes, almost as inconvenient as drinking and driving and killing your family.

Sriracha: That's like a permanent solution to a temporary problem [unintelligible].

Asterios: Nah I completely agree. You wanna read our next question?

Sriracha: Yes I would love to.

Asterios: Huh, let's do this one 'cause this one is uh, this one's a little different.

Sriracha: Okay. [clears throat, then speaks in nasally voice] "My boyfriend and I have been going for ten llloooooooooonnng months." [Asterios laughs] That's how it is spelled, it's kinda got twelve o's in the word.

Asterios: I know, I love it.

Sriracha: "Recently I've found myself getting irritated with him all the time. He's very clingy, and even though I've talked to him about it, he won't give me space. He liked me for a lot longer than I have liked him and every time he thinks I'm even slightly annoyed with him he feels the need to call me and talk about our feelings. I have been considering breaking up with him for awhile now because I'm just not happy with him any more, but I don't want to regret it later or hurt him because he is very sensitive." from Carrie, 16 years old.

Asterios: Uh oh.

Sriracha: Sound like trouble in paradise!

Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Huh...

Sriracha: Can't relate 'cause I am the needy boyfriend.

Asterios: Really?

Sriracha: Of course!

Asterios: T- tell me about it.

Sriracha: You know!

Asterios: Well the listener doesn't.

Sriracha: Well sometimes I just sa- I call you to say "Am I annoying?" [laughs]

Asterios: That has happened. On Friday you told me that when I tell you "I love you," you'd also like to hear, "and I'm not annoying."

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: "And I'm not cringy." So all weekend I've been going, [smoothly] "I love you, and, you're not annoying, and you're not cringy, and you're very pretty." And when I say that how does it make you feel?

Sriracha: It makes me feel good.

Asterios: You see, here's what I like about this relationship: you literally tell me what you need. And then I'm like, "Okay, that's what I need to do. Got it. She likes getting texts, she likes getting calls, apparently now she likes being explicitly told she's not annoying" [Sriracha laughs]

Sriracha: Hell yeah.

Asterios: I can fuck- I can fucking do that! You give- you give a man a list, he'll go down the list, he'll do the thing. It's why- it's why guys like IKEA Furniture, like it's all laid out. You don't even have to know English! It's perfect!

Sriracha: I've never put together an IKEA furniture. Is it difficult?

Asterios: It's not that difficult, but it's a step-by-st- honestly, if you've put together like a lego playset? It's exactly the same. Both Lego and IKEA, I think they're both like Swedish companies or they're- they're at least both like super-white European. And then if you read through like a- like a Lego book or an IKEA manual it's just pictures, there's no words. It's like "Do this. Put this. Connect this to that." And they fall apart immediately during an earthquake but like... [Sriracha laughs] IKEA furniture- I think there's one IKEA shelf that has now killed eleven kids.

Sriracha: In Japan, this is a fun fact, they have- because they get so many earthquakes they have these bars that like you have to take... hang on let me get my [voice trails off as she leaves the mic]. So they got bars right? And they look like a rod, like an 'H' shape. And what you need to do is you need to take the- flip it so the leg of the 'H' is on the top of like your book shelf? And then extend it upwards like a tension rod to keep the bookshelf in place from the ceiling.

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: Because [laughs] Japan gets so many earthquakes that like it's a serious problem, furniture falling and killing people.

Asterios: Yeah. That's really smart. We should all be doing that anyway just in case.

Sriracha: At least in California.

Asterios: Yeah! Absolutely, I- like so many kids now are dying because they're pulling TVs onto themselves.

Sriracha: They make uh- rods for that now, did you see that? They make these uh- like strings you have to attach to your wall so your toddler doesn't pull your TV down.

Asterios: Yeah! Yes! Exactly! Ah, what is it with these fucking kids? They love killing themselves.

Sriracha: Pretty much the first two years of a child's life is preventing it from creatively murdering itself.

Asterios: Yeah absolu- I would never think to stick a fork in a socket. And I don't mean because it like [mock intellectual voice] "Oh I'm more logical than that." It's just like, I have better things to do.

Sriracha: Than stick forks in- and eat batteries.

Asterios: Yeah! I- absolutely it's like you know what, I'm not gonna eat a battery because fried chicken tastes delicious, candy tastes good, I could have a milkshake! Batteries don't even look like they're delicious.

Sriracha: See the difference is that you have teeth.

Asterios: Ooh, okay. I get it.

Sriracha: I mean- I mean you could choose to chew on a battery with those teeth. Or you could choose to have some delicious fried chicken.

Asterios: You know, here's what I've heard about licking a battery. It gives you like a little pleasant shock.

Sriracha: Pleasant what? What the fuck have you done this?

Asterios: Um, do you wanna lick a battery right now?

Sriracha: No I don't want to lick a battery.

Asterios: Okay 'cause if you lick a battery like it gives you like a little tingle.

Sriracha: Aw you- you've got brain damage.

Asterios: [laughs] Look, I've never done it. But, that' what it does, you lick a battery. Are you sure you don't wanna lick a battery right now?

Sriracha: I heard asbestos is really tasty.

Asterios: That's the thing, apparently it is. That's why kids would eat asbestos.

Sriracha: Hey kids you know you got cotton candy in your walls?

Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Wait, don't we have to help this kid? What does he want?

Sriracha: Candice wants to- oh Carrie-

Asterios: [interjecting] Oh, get rid of the clinger. Clinger boyfriend. Um, hmmm. What the hell are you getting out of this relationship like is this kid good at sex, does he have a lot of money? Like, there has to be some reason that she's with him for ten months other than just guilt. Like what- were the first five months good, like what was the initial draw?

Sriracha: Yeah, I say get him a hobby.

Asterios: That's a really, you know what?

Sriracha: 'Cause right now his hobby is "Girlfriend".

Asterios: You should get him into like Gamergate. And Bitcoin. You should get him into like all these alt-right obsessions. Uh, show him 4chan and get him super into the Trump campaign. Have him stand up for uh ethics in video game journalism. You get this guy- show this guy how to build a Bitcoin mining rig? You need to give him one of these super hobbies where he will just fall down the rabbit hole.

Sriracha: Or yeah, get- sign him up for Kiwi Farms or something. Dude, I spend so much time on Kiwi Farms.

Asterios: What is Kiwi Farms exactly?

Sriracha: Uh, Kiwi Farms is a website that is devoted to documenting the lives of people who choose to go on the Internet and post bizarre things either about themselves or about their crusades.

Asterios: Okay, I keep hearing that like, there's this Chris Chan guy. Apparently Chris Chan is someone who the entire internet has decided to bully all at once.

Sriracha: Uh, Chris Chan's kinda not active anymore. It's not fu- Chris Chan used to be very very funny. I haven't been on the Internet for quite a while and I remember when Chris Chan was the, the big lolcow that everybody was milking.

Asterios: A lo- what is a lolcow and what is m- milking?

Sriracha: A lolcow is like a cow you milk for lols. I don't underst- it's a simile.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: Just roll with it.

Asterios: Uh I will.

Sriracha: Uh the thing about Chris Chan that was very funny was that he would make these videos of himself just screaming into the camera. Like it was so bizarre because the dude could not control his emotions whatsoever. Like people would- trolls would call him stupid- he has these we- he used to have this weird hate for gays. Which is weird because now um, Chris Chan has come out as a trans lesbian woman.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: And Christine is her uh name that she's going by now.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: But when Christine was Christian, she had this weird hate for gays, and so what trolls would do is uh- Chris Chan ran this website about where he could upload like Sonichu comics and stuff.

Asterios: Soni- you're saying all this stuff like I know what-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay, yeah. Okay so Christian used to make comics that blablabla- and he-

Asterios: [interjecting] What is Sonichu?

Sriracha: Sonichu is a mix between a Pikachu and Sonic the Hedgehog. And actually I've read the comics. It makes sense, like the way Chris Chan wrote the story, it makes sense how Sonic and- like a Sonic and a Pikachu both get struck by li- are in a tree or something and the tree gets struck by lightning, so they fuse together into Sonichu. So Chris Chan used to write these Sonichu comics and I have no idea if Sonichu is still going...

Asterios: Okay...

Sriracha: But he had a website where he could upload all of his comics that was pretty much troll free because usually when he made a- like a Wordpress one it would be instantly hacked.

Asterios: [both laugh] Oh my go- what? Oh my God.

Sriracha: Uh one- at one point someone pretending to be the CEO of Nintendo contacted Chris and convinced him that he was going to get Sonichu put into Animal Crossing, so Chris immediately handed over the keys to like the website.

Asterios: "I'm the president of Nintendo and I wanna put Sonichu into my video game. All I need is your authentication tokens and I'll get right-" what? What- why would a Nintendo executive need access to the CMS and backend? To put a dra... okay.

Sriracha: Uh, so when he was finally given this uh, wiki, where they could upload all the Sonichu comics, what trolls started doing is buying like, ad-space with homo- like trans lifeline or ho- or "Are you gay? Is Chris gay?" [laughs]

Asterios: Okay, okay. That's pretty funny. No- now uh, alright well I guess taunting a homophobe is okay, although it does make you sad that is turns out later that he- all this homophobia was entirely self-hating behavior. But that's kinda what most homophobes do like, if you spend this much time thinking about gays and why they're bad it's like, y-you kinda like boys.

Sriracha: One time, Chris drank a cup of his own semen mixed with Fanta-

Asterios: [interjecting] No! No! No! No! No. Whoa.

Sriracha: [laughs] So kids don't do that.

Asterios: Are you just trying to get me to throw up? I'm drinking cherry Coke Zero and cheap whiskey right now. Please.

Sriracha: You gotta- you gotta sniff it.

Asterios: Swirl it? Sniff it?

Sriracha: Yeah, you gotta get all the flavors. [laughs]

Asterios: Oh my god.

Sriracha: Um, yeah no so I would say get a Kiwi Farms account because I check that website if not every day, every couple of hours. [laughs]

Asterios: Alright. Well, this is- that's- in a weird way that's actually some pretty good advice. Get him another obsession, and he will leave you alone. And he'll leave you so alone that you'll actually kinda start to get jealous. And you'll start wanting his time and you'll be reaching out to him. Because right now this, this puppy's followin' you around. How do you get a puppy to follow you? You walk away from it. But, the moment he becomes a crypto miner or writes his own parody comic where he puts together Tails and Bulbasaur [Sriracha laughs], and calls it... Bails.

Sriracha: Oh it is not a parody.

Asterios: What?

Sriracha: Um, Chris is- no Chris is blatantly stealing from trademarked characters. He is insistent that it is his own original creation.

Asterios: [deadpan] Really?

Sriracha: He used to, I dunno if he's into it any more.

Asterios: Okay. That's weird. This guy- you know what, now- now when we- I'm gonna have to move on because now that I think about him I think about that gross thing you said?

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: I don't think that I ever want to hear about this person again.

Sriracha: Dude made a sex tape of him and a blowup doll. [Asterios makes an exasperated sigh] It's been viewed by millions of people.

Asterios: Did he at least monetize the video?

Sriracha: No it's on Pornhub.

Asterios: Ah this poor kid. Jesus Christ. Alright let's-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Julayyy. Julayyy.

Asterios: What are you saying?

Sriracha: That's uh, a famous quote from this uh sex doll videos. Uh, Chris screams, "Julaayyy! Julaaayy!"

Asterios: Did he name the sex doll July?

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Okay. Why, is there like a girl he's obsessed with named July?

Sriracha: Yeah, do you remember I was telling you I was telling you yesterday- "This whole time you've been having sex with a thirteen year old boy you sick-" July was a kid speaking in a bad falsetto pretending to be his girlfriend.

Asterios: Uh huh, okay so yes so, a thirteen year old boy, in order to milk this lolcow tricked this Chris guy into thinking that he was his online girlfriend, and that at one point, when the jig was up, the thirteen year old quote "girl" revealed himself to be a thirteen year old boy and said...

Sriracha: I'm gonna give all your data to Chris Hansen you sick fuck.

Asterios: And just started screaming that and I suppose there is a video out there where, what I can only assume uh, is a mentally ill woman named Chris Chan-

Sriracha: Christine.

Asterios: Christine Chan is getting pumped by a thirteen year old b- oh my G- the internet is a bad idea.

Sriracha: I- we were talking about this yesterday don't you think the Internet has really rotted people's brains?

Asterios: I think it's rotted your brain.

Sriracha: It absolutely has.

Asterios: Yeah, 'cause I at least- I'm old enough that I remember getting the Internet. I was in- I think I was fourteen, and we got AOL, and-

Sriracha: [interjecting] I remember getting the Internet.

Asterios: You do?

Sriracha: Yeah I'm not... that young.

Asterios: Yeah you are.

Sriracha: We had dial up.

Asterios: But your whole life you've had the in- you've- there has never been a point in your life where there has not been an Internet.

Sriracha: Yes there has been.

Asterios: Really?

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: What when you were two?

Sriracha: We got the Internet when I was like seven or something.

Asterios: But you knew about it when you were six and five and four and three.

Sriracha: I don't think I- I don't remember.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: I remember getting our first computer and shitting my pants.

Asterios: Oh that's awesome.

Sriracha: Literally shitting my pants 'cause I was three. [laughs]

Asterios: Goddamn, alright let's read one more question. Okay, Kaitlyn writes... oh no this is too dark. Uh...

Sriracha: What is it with all these suicide...

Asterios: Oh my God hold on, oh no. Okay you ready?

Sriracha: Yup.

Asterios: This year, Embarrassed writes: "This year I was pushed forward a grade and now I have no friends in class." BRAG.

Sriracha: Yeah, humble brag. Already annoying, I see why you have no friends.

Asterios: "I have been trying to make friends, but today at lunch I had a hole in the front of my track pants and "it" flopped out. I was sitting on the floor and the whole class saw. I did not notice until a girl told me. I don't know what to do. I will never make friends now. I tried to convince my mom to home school me and she said no. Help!" signed, Embarrassed. Seven years old. This happened to me.

Sriracha: What?

Asterios: I wasn't a kid thank God, but, there's a video of me and I think you can Google it on youtube uh- it was me playing lingerie basketball for the now defunct television network "Fuel TV." And so, you know we did a sketch where like me and this other great comedian Chris Fairbanks, we went down to a lingerie basketball game and I dressed up in lingerie. And at one point one of my balls fell out of the panties and the whole crew, everybody, a bunch of professional lingerie-wearing basketball players and all my co-workers who were there directing and producing the shoot saw one of my balls. And they were like, "Asterios. Asterios. Your shorts." And I was like, "What? What?" And they go like "Your shorts. Your shorts. Your shorts." And I was like, "What? What's wrong?" and I look down and I'm like, "Oooh my God."

Transcriber's Note: Here's the link to the referenced video: https://youtu.be/suP6oz16F04

Sriracha: Okay here's a couple differences between your story and what happened to Embarrassed.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: First of all, you were wearing a weird little outfit.

Asterios: True.

Sriracha: So you ah- the risk for ball slips is [laughs]- risk for balls being out of the court is much higher. This kid was wearing track pants, and when- now when he says, "it", I'm assuming he means his penis.

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: And he's seven years old. So I don't think his balls have dropped yet. Or if they have, they're not big enough that they could be floppin' aroun- man how big is the hole in your shorts? Why aren't you wearing underwear? How did you not know- and how did you not notice? Like, wouldn't the cold- like if my tit was out I feel like I would instantly feel the cold on my nipple.

Asterios: I don't know if that's true because there's a lot of wardrobe malfunction gifs of celebrities on the red carpet and all of a sudden there's a nip slip and they don't know.

Sriracha: They don't?

Asterios: Yes! That's how- 'cause if they did they would immediately put it away. But it's like you see like all of these pictures of like, oh, here's Katy Perry and she's like waving at people and then like, oh, her nipple's out.

Sriracha: I dunno, Janet Jackson knew immediately.

Asterios: Well that was different, because what happened to Janet Jackson was, Justin Timberlake was supposed to rip off part of her top, and like she was wearing like tear-away clothes. So it was like- there was a pasty underneath but like she was gonna cover up. But like apparently whatever like the rip-away shit that she was supposed to do like it just didn't work, and he accidentally ripped off the whole top.

Sriracha: Was it a pasty? Because I remember about the- when that whole scandal happened, I remember looking at the nipple, because obviously it was the first thing I wanted to do is see the nipple 'cause I'm... I don't watch sports. And I remember thinking like, "What is on your nipple? Do you have like ninja st- a shooting star?

Asterios: Yeah, she had a pasty.

Sriracha: Oh, see I thought it was a- some kind of bizarre piercing.

Asterios: Oh no no no no no. No no, like, girls wear- they're like band-aids. It's- it's like they're like these like stickers that you can put on your-

Sriracha: [high pitched] I know what a pasty is mm-

Asterios: Do you?

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: You ever worn them?

Sriracha: No.

Asterios: Why?

Sriracha: 'Cause I'm not, a prostitute or a stripper.

Asterios: I dunno, could be fun. [unintelligible]

Sriracha: I've put band-aids over my nipple a couple times.

Asterios: You have?

Sriracha: Yeah you got to uh, when ya run like long distance races.

Asterios: Oh yeah.

Sriracha: Your nipples bleed, like they rub against the fabric of your bra.

Asterios: I've heard about that.

Sriracha: You gotta put a few band-aids on your nipples. [laughs]

Asterios: Instead of- why don't you give them like sexy like, sparkly pasties? So like, while you're running you can run with confidence and style?

Sriracha: I like that, I'll bring that up at the next meeting.

Asterios: Of your high school track team?

Sriracha: Yeah. [both laugh]

Asterios: Okay, how do we help this kid? Everybody saw his penis. I mean I think... [Sriracha laughs] the first thing you need to do is like, try to ma- I- like I don't- like okay here's the thing. You- this is a bad hand. There are no- there are no moves that will get you to zero. Like you're already in the hole.

Sriracha: You're already penis through the shorts kid.

Asterios: Yeah, it's just about- at this point it's like damage control. You could kind of make a gag out of it and like, you could bring like- you could have like a fake penis pop out at one point in the middle of class? And it's like all big and like everyone laughs at you and like now you're like the class clown 'cause like you got this big fake penis like- ahH?

Sriracha: Was the "arm penis" thing a thing in your high school too or was that just a weird-

Asterios: The "arm penis thing?"

Sriracha: So there was a bizarre trend or something. It went on in my highschool where guys thought it was the funniest goddamn thing in the world to- I'm not wearing jeans, but like you know the fly where your jeans would be?

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: They would stick their hand through there, and they would go and they would flop it on the desk and like make a noise. And like at first glance, like if you were just walking by you'd like- it looks like this dude has like a foot long penis sticking out on the desk but obviously it's just and arm through the jeans. So maybe you could start doing that.

Asterios: That's better 'cause A) I don't know how a seven year old's gonna get a hold of a fake penis. [Sriracha laughs] Yeah, that's good. Just at some point during the day scare people with your big fake arm penis. And now you've rolled it into your character, and now like you're like, "Big Cock Boy." And maybe pay someone to- give someone fifty bucks to be like, "You a good nickname for that guy would be, 'Big Cock Boy!'" Like, try to- you gotta seed it. 'Cause obviously you can't give yourself a nickname but, if you hire influencers essentially- find the popular kid in your school, pay them...

Sriracha: And get them to do the thing Trump does where he just says the nickname over and over again and then everybody starts using it.

Asterios: Yes, exactly.

Sriracha: Like, "Low Energy Jeb." What were some other ones?

Asterios: I never-

Sriracha: [interjecting] "Little Marco"

Asterios: I never thought of Jeb Bush as low energy until he said that, and the moment he did I was like, "That is a- he is a low energy motherfuck-"

Sriracha: Please clap.

Asterios: Yes! I would just think like, "Oh this guy's boring. Oh this guy's vanilla."

Sriracha: You know what the funniest goddamned thing about Jeb is?

Asterios: Tell me.

Sriracha: It's that in any other year, like if Trump did not relentlessly bully this guy, he probably would have become President.

Asterios: Yes that is absolutely true, because everybody called him like, "The Smart Bush." It was like, "Oh, this is the guy that should have run in 2000."

Sriracha: Right, like you've got unlimited money, you've got two people in your family that were in politics.

Asterios: Your dad ran the CIA, your dad has unlimited oil money, YUP. Your brother was president, not a great president but you're still connected to the Republican party!

Sriracha: And you're like, you've been bred from birth to be in the- like the Bush political empire. And then some jackass comes along and starts calling you names and cutting you off in debates and it derails- you know how many millions of dollars Jeb must have wasted on his campaign?

Asterios: He was the governor of Florida. One of the- no, it's the most important- Florida and Ohio are the two most important states in an election because they both have a shitload of electoral votes, and they're both purple states, like they could go either way. It's like, California's always gonna be Democratic, Texas is always gonna be Republican, but it's like, this guy had every advantage... but... he got called names, by a much funnier guy. He got bu- he's a sixty year old that got bullied by a seventy year old. It never ends!

Sriracha: [laughs] You ever seen that video? Somebody composed a- like a compilation of all the times Jeb got cut off-

Asterios: No.

Sriracha: During the debates and Trump is li- he starts to go say something he's like, "Oh you know-" and then Trump's just like, "Jeb! Jeb! Jeb! Jeb! Jeb!" [laughs] And Jeb shuts up. Uh what were we talking about? I mean, if you want real advice, for this kid, it's: you're seven. Like, just- there was a girl that was in my middle school that I- well actually this goes- this contradicts what I was gonna- about to say. I was gonna say just ignore it. Like, pretend it never happened. 'Cause there's not-

Asterios: [interjecting] I don't think you can.

Sriracha: There's nothing you can do though.

Asterios: [sighs] Look, I agree that trying to turn it into a gag is a long shot. But the longer shot is now you're Penis Bo- like, it's- you gotta do s- you can't do nothing. I mean, him going to his mom and saying "Home-school me?" That is a solution. Or at least transfer him.

Sriracha: Right, go to like Catholic School or somethin'.

Asterios: Yeah, dooo some- you should leave school.

Sriracha: Dude there was a bizarre- there was a Catholic school?

Asterios: Yeah?

Sriracha: This has nothing to do with anything but was it normal- 'cause remember yesterday we were talkin' about those kids that got like chained up in their basement or something?

Asterios: Yes.

Sriracha: Okay, but like how did- in- I don't know how it is in New York but where I grew up, every so often we had to take state testing, and then we would have to go to like this test room where- who wasn't our teacher, and there would be kids that we'd never seen before-

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: Taking these tests.

Asterios: That's the thing I don't understand about the kids getting chained up story, which is 'cause they were all home-schooled- well-

Sriracha: [interjecting] You still have to take standardized tests.

Asterios: Well yeah 'cause I think they were in California. I remember in New York we had to take like, they were called like the "Iowas." The Iowa state exam. I don't know why they called it that, we lived in New York, but they called it-

Sriracha: Wait what?

Asterios: They call them the Iowa- I guess maybe at one point Iowa had a really good state exam and New York was just like, [New York scumbag intonation] "We'll license it from you. It's a lot cheaper and easier than making our own."

Sriracha: I like how you did the Trump voice. [laughs]

Asterios: 'Cause Trump's a New Yorker! And that's the kind of like New York scumbag that would do that. Just like [Trump voice] "Yoink! Thanks for the test losers! There's the only good-"

Sriracha: [interjecting in Trump voice] "Nobody likes Iowa anyway."

Asterios: [Trump voice] "This is the only thing you're known for. You, and that fictional Captain Kirk came from Iowa."

Sriracha: [Trump voice] "And potatooes- oh wait that's Idaho."

Asterios: [Trump voice] "Iowa you're a failure, you're a disaster, you're a bunch a' losers." [both laugh] Oh my God.

Sriracha: Um, no but there was some weirdo- I remember talking to some of 'em, and they were- 'cause it was bizarre because they were like, super smart but then like- they could spell words that we didn't even know how to pronounce, and they knew like every country and it's capital in Africa, but then they'd be like, "What's a t- what's Saturday Night Live?"

Asterios: Yup. [Sriracha laughs] That sounds about right. Yup. I know exac- 'cause yeah look I remember- I remember taking standardized test after standardized test, and our teachers really freaking out about them because apparently like, teacher pay was linked to our performance on this test.

Sriracha: Us too.

Asterios: Yeah! I remember like my teacher like having a fuckin' shit-fit about these tests and me just being like, "This is not that big of a deal, like I d- whatever. It's just some dumb test." Um, yeah so I don't know how the hell those chained up kids did not have to take the Iowas or whatever the fuck they were.

Sriracha: You wanna know something fucked up? Speaking of like teachers.

Asterios: [mumbling in background] Oh God. Oh no.

Sriracha: So they divided us by um, at- what I would say like skill level. Very- like- at least ten- I'm not gonna say "intelligence" but skill level at taking these tests.

Asterios: Sure, aptitude.

Sriracha: Yeah. And I was always in the top kids. And I- what I found out is they would like, treat us real good. Like we got to go home after half the day, we got like, snacks. Like they would bring us food, and then we got to go take breaks and get juice, and what I found out eventually from- 'cause one of my best friends in high school, uh, moved here from Poland, so couldn't speak great English? She was always in like the bottom obviously because she's still learning how to put sentences together. And I was like- I remember off-hand bringing it up I'm like, "Aw man those muffins were really good," and she was like, "What the fuck? What? Muffins?" And they weren't feeding- like- [laughs] lower level kids, like it was just the people that they expected to perform really well, they're like, "Alright! we're gonna bank all our money on these guys!"

Asterios: Honestly that's a good- that's a terrible strategy but it's a good one 'cause it's just like, if you can make these super high-performing kids chilled and relaxed and not stressed? They're gonna do so well that these dummies- they'll do better than the dummies will do worse.

Sriracha: Right and we got like the favorite teachers- always got to proctor our exam, and it was a real nice day. But apparently, the dumb kids, or the kids that didn't perform as well on these tests were like getting really- shafted pretty damn hard.

Asterios: Yeah they were just completely written off. [Sriracha laughs] Oh my goodness. But. You can't argue with the- with the logic and the math of it.

Sriracha: Yeah it was a really big high school. To be fair.

Asterios: Okay! Alright, well, seven year old penis-showing kid... how about this: become super good at something. Become the best guitarist in your school. Become the best singer. Become the star quarterback. You gotta- right now you have been handed an identity: Penis Boy. That is your identity. It's like a skin that ya can't scrape off. You gotta put on a new skin. Ya gotta- I don't know why-

Sriracha: [interjecting] New foreskin.

Asterios: I don't know why- like I'm a little bit drunk and my advice definitely sounds Silence of the Lambs-ee. Okay, Let me try- let me try this again. It's like a costume you can't take off. Penis Boy. You gotta put on a new costume, over that costume. Uhh becom- you know what? Become the town detective! Solve an unsolved murder, 'cause it- you know if you're in some little small town, there's probably like some cold cases you go- you could become like the Seven Year Old Super Detec- somethin'. You got anything Sriracha?

Sriracha: No 'cause then you're just gonna be the super detective that showed his penis.

Asterios: Really?

Sriracha: Yeah, you're never getting rid of that. I say just wait for college.

Asterios: Oh God. Alright well, I guess the only answer we can both agree on is: transfer schools. Get home schooled. Get out of there. You know what? You skipped a grade right? Maybe you can skip another one.

Sriracha: Skip a school. Skip a town.

Asterios: Well obviously he's gon- this kid's just g- but it's like if this kid could skip town he would. So, if you're super intelligent, find a way to skip another grade, or, fail all your tests, pretend to be dumb, so they put you back in that other class, and then when you show up, you know the other kids actually might kinda feel a bit bad for you 'cause they're like, "Oh, he had it and he lost it. He was ahead of us and now he's back behind."

Sriracha: "Look who dumb again!"

Asterios: Yeah exac- oh is that bad?

Sriracha: "Look who's not getting the muffins and juice for state testing this year!"

Asterios: There's no way to- there's no way for this kid to win okay transfer schools.

Sriracha: Yup.

Asterios: That has been, "Asterios Kills a Kid" starring Asterios Kokkinos and Sriracha. Uh, Sriracha, do you want to promote anything before we go?

Sriracha: Uh, I got a podcast about porgs and- you really want to find that you know where to look.

Transcriber's Note: Here, this might help: https://www.patreon.com/posts/porg-chatter-16884345

Asterios: Okay it's called "Porg Chatter" 'cause it's named-

Sriracha: [interjecting] It's very dumb.

Asterios: It's named aft- what?

Sriracha: It's very dumb.

Asterios: It's not dumb, I love that show! What are you talking about?

Sriracha: Uh we debated whether or not chickens fuck? On this episode. So. That's- your weird fetish? 'Cause we can't say anything about it!

Asterios: Let me sell your show better than you're doing.

Sriracha: Go for it.

Asterios: Okay, when porgs talk, porg language is actually called "porg chatter", so Sriracha, she's a big porg fan, she made the world's first podcast entirely devoted to porgs. It's called "Porg Chatter." Search for it on google. It's somewhere. I don't know if it's on iTunes. It's- do you- google it! You'll find it. And uh, for me, Asterios Kokkinos, thank you so much for subscribing, and listening, obviously you can support me at patreon.com/asterios. All the money that goes there, goes towards a certain thing, that I can't talk about, that's expensive and bad.

Sriracha: It starts with a 'L' and it ends in going to jail. [laughs]

Asterios: So that's it! What do you think of the first episode?

Sriracha: I thought it was really good!

Asterios: I had a really good time.

Sriracha: I'm lovin' these kids.

Asterios: Yeah, I'm loving these drinks too! Alright, let's go watch some anime.

Sriracha: [anime voice] Byee!

Asterios: [anime voice] Byeee!

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]

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