This is Producer Jesse, apologizing in advance for the language you will hear on this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid. It is so obscene that I had to use an experimental censorship algorithm to make just this description palatable. Listen at your own risk.
If you're a kid, and want Asterios to ██████ your ████████, you can initiate that here.
Our first writer is a kid with some serious daddy issues:
“Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher "dad", even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix up people like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?” — Mendez, 11
You can't change what you said in the past, but you can uproot the lives of everyone around you to save face, and that's exactly what Asterios and Sriracha recommend. They also swap public ███████ stories if you're into that kind of thing.
Next up is a question from the aptly named CRINGE.
“My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don't wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?” — CRINGE, 16
The court of this young edgelord grows ever bare, and he finds himself at a crossroads. Should he continue making fun of people using gay slurs, or grow up and make fun of them in other more creative ways? Like a fucking spaghetti brained cuck bitch, Asterios says to "█████ ██ ███ ████"
Finally, all the way from Finland, a young boy writes:
“Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?” — Jyri from Finland, 10
████████ and Sriracha applaud Jyri's game with the ladies and send him on his way, ignoring his genuine ████ and underlying ████████.
Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!
And if you have a question for ████████ and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]
Asterios: Welcome to episode three of Asterios Kills a Kid. I'm Asterios Kokkinos. We got Sriracha here.
Asterios: Um, thank you guys so much for supporting the show. Uh, we got a lot of great comments and feedback from the last episode. Um, this show is, you know, a children's advice podcast. So if you go to asterioskillsakid.com, you can- uh there's a- a section where your kids can ask us questions. Um, some of these questions are very clearly not from kids.
Asterios: Uh, I have one right here... it's uh- I guess- well let me read it. It says, "How do I get a thicc bitch to slob on my peepee im a patron and so this question better fucking get on the podcast," signed didey, sixteen years old.
Sriracha: [sighs] Folks, I don't know what to tell ya. This bait is so low energy that Jeb Bush could probably do better. I think when I have- on Porg Chatter we don't take bait like this. We take bait seriously and when I have a big podcast with sponsors we are gonna make bait great again. Not this low energy garbage that you're sending in.
Asterios: Wow. Well didey, thanks for supporting me on Patreon.
Sriracha: Go fuck yourself.
Asterios: Sorry you're getting the shit slapped out of you by my co-host here, but I'm on your side... uh until the moment you stop supporting me on Patreon, and then at that point I call your bait lower energy than Marco Rubio is tall. Um, alright! We got some listener comments too. KEK7go writes, "Srriacha is a funny and beautiful regardless what she thinks of herself. Asterious is a lucky man to have her writing his jokes.
Sriracha: That guy is real nice. He was real nice to me on the livestream too.
Asterios: Yeah! Well you- you know why he's writing this though, because in episode two - in our last episode of Asterios kills a kid - you went on an extended rant about you- your... your size-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Small tits. You can just say...
Asterios: [interjecting] I don't want to, you-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Smaaall tits.
Asterios: And you kept saying like, "Oh I'm not-" and it's like, you- it's not small. You d- you're not in a small situation.
Sriracha: I feel like everytime I bring up the size of my breasts you're like, have you ever seen- one of the hundreds of Medium articles that's like, "I hate it when people say, 'I'm not fat, I'm beautiful.' Why can't I be both?" It's a mathematical fact that I have small tits.
Asterios: You have-
Sriracha: [interjecting] They're fine lookin' tits! But they're very small!
Asterios: Can we- can I say that- can I get specific?
Sriracha: Go ahead, go for it.
Asterios: Don't you have thirty four Bs?
Sriracha: Thirty two.
Asterios: Okay, thirty two Bs. "B" stands for "big".
Sriracha: [laughs] Does it?
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. And thirty two is only four away from the- from the gold standard of- of size, which is thirty six.
Sriracha: See, I think that small tits can look fine. Small tits look good in clothes, like I never have to wear a bra - anywhere - and it doesn't look obscene and I can run up and down steps and my tits don't hurt, but man, motherfuckin', I was lookin' at this brothel website the other night?
Asterios: [loudly] UH HUUHH.
Sriracha: Lookin' at one o- legal ones. One of the legal ones, the Bunny Ranch in Nevada.
Transcriber's Note: Here's the link the site https://www.bunnyranch.com/ NSFW of course.
Asterios: [in the background] MHMMM.
Sriracha: And I'm lookin' at these girl's statistics - 'cause they list all their vital stats like their measurements - and they're all claiming to have D cups, even when they very clearly- like bitch, I'm lookin' at you with my eyes. I can see that those are not D cups, those are Bs on a good day. Why do they do that? Do they think that just be- like- there's a whole category of people that love small tits.
Asterios: [mouth opening sound]
Sriracha: Just, you gotta work with what you got. You should be marketing to that niche demographic instead of lying about it.
Asterios: Okay. Well. You've given us a lot to unpack. [Sriracha laughs] I guess my first question is, what are you doing on this website?
Sriracha: Lookin' at big tittied bitches, next question.
Asterios: That is- but you could see women... you could see beautiful women anywhere. You're very specifically on brothel websi- are you... what's goin' on here?
Sriracha: I just like lookin' at them and readin' their little bios, 'cause they all have to write like a bio about themselves, and I look for the ones with the best spelling and grammar and then compare that to how they look in the face and the body [laughs] areas.
Sriracha: Surprisingly it's a- what's it called? It's a- when one goes up the other goes down?
Asterios: It's a- it's an inverse relationship? The hotter the face the worse the spelling?
Sriracha: [talking over] Yeah! It's an inverse- inverse- yeah.
Asterios: Wow. Okay. I'm learning a lot about Sriracha.
Sriracha: The hotter the face the worse the grammatical structure.
Asterios: I'm not- I- I have no evidence to agree or disagree with this. Sounds anti-feminist to me but at the same time, I'm not reading these brothel websites so I-
Sriracha: [mocking vocalization]
Asterios: -shouldn't be talking- wait, what'd you say?
Sriracha: [mocking voice] Well I think that women are valuable regardless of their looks or their grammar skills Asterios so.
Asterios: Goddamn I g-
Sriracha: [interjecting in same voice] I didn't make a statement on their worth I was just saying- what are you saying that ugly women are worth less than attractive women?
Asterios: I'm really getting served here. I'm really-
Sriracha: That's my "gorilla mind" working. [laughs]
Asterios: It's really really good. I'm always- I'm constantly getting out-maneuvered by Sriracha. That- this is my whole life now. Okay, we have another- oh God I don't even wanna say this username.
Asterios: Clinton BLANK Victim... [Sriracha laughs] ... on reddit writes, "Asterios, not to be a stick in the mud, but wasp do-" oh I can't read any of this. Okay. I guess at some point in episode 2, you brought up the idea of wasp sexual assault.
Sriracha: Oh, this is talking about how wasps have to force themselves on other wasps?
Asterios: I don't know. I don't remember this. I was pretty drunk when we recorded episode 2.
Sriracha: Oh yeah, fun fact kids: um, if you can guess the exact line that I blacked out on while filming that episode you will get a special episode of "Porg Chatter," just for you. You could release it, you could keep it in your basement and masturbate to it, I don't care. It'll be your episode, you could do whatever you want with it. You could not even listen to it just throw it into the highway. [laughs]
Asterios: You know what? I'll also include a Santa Asterios T-Shirt because... I have way too many of them.
Sriracha: And I remember it like a fuckin' bell. Clear as-
Asterios: [interjecting] Your favorite episode?
Sriracha: No, the line- what I said and then I blacked out.
Asterios: Ah that's so great. Okay, well, look bottom line this guy is saying that wasps do in fact... assault each other like... that.
Sriracha: Don't all animals so that though?
Asterios: I- I can only read what Clinton BLANK Victim on reddit [Sriracha laughs] tells- I- I'm really out of my element here. I'm out of my element. This is like, I don't know anything about this world. This guy's just- he- okay here we go, he is giving me a link to the "Parasitoid Wasp-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] Don't click that.
Asterios: I won't. "Some of these nasty... fuckers-" again. Language.
Sriracha: [interjecting] I like how the word "fuckers" is the one that you're really hung up on here.
Asterios: I don't like any- "these nasty fuckers paralize the victim then lay an e- these nasty fuckers paralize the victim then lay the egg inside the victim, so larvae eats it after hatching and the caught insect can't do shit since it's paralized." [sighs] I just wanted to make like a comedy podcast, not a podcast where I learn about how insects destroy each other from the inside out.
Sriracha: Yeah I don't like this. I thought this was gonna be like, you ever see cats fuck?
Sriracha: Cat's uh- it's hilarious.
Sriracha: You can look it up on youtube. It's like, I guess male cats have barbed penises? So like the cat'll be sitting there and the- he has to like hold the other cat- female cat down and then they start boning. And the cat just like screams at him and tries to scratch him and bite him. I didn't know it was gonna involve death.
Asterios: Yeah, I mean it's. Animals are real... you know what-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Well Bill Clinton BLANK victim this is a comedy podcasts so take your weird fetishes somewhere else.
Asterios: Yeah okay Sriracha thank you for jumping in 'cause I am really at a loss for words. Uh, I'm gonna move us onto the third question just because again, my mind has been destroyed by like- 'cause now all I can think about is cats do- having- now all I can think about is cats mating.
Sriracha: I can't believe you have never seen those videos.
Asterios: No I'm not really goin' out of my way to look at videos of cats boning each other.
Sriracha: I have a picture of a bee vagina if you're interested in seeing it.
Asterios: Wha- do you really?
Sriracha: No. I did at one point. [Asterios laughs]
Asterios: Oh my God, okay. And finally our third and last comment, a submission to the site reads, "Which one of you is wearing the pants in the relationship?" Signed Maxi.
Sriracha: [mock offended voice] Well that's not very feminist of you Maxi.
Asterios: Nice, keep goin', keep givin' it to him.
Sriracha: I dunno- what's a- what's the actual answer? I genuinely don't know.
Asterios: Oh, um. I feel like in our relationship, it's kinda like who cares about whatever we have to do more wins.
Sriracha: Yeah you're right.
Asterios: Like, today I wanted to sleep all day, and all night, and Sriracha's like, "Asterios you- you have to at some point make comedy at some point if you're gonna call yourself a comedian." She's like, "You're gonna have to wake up and just bullshit into a podc- into a microphone for an hour. This isn't that hard. You're not like a fuckin' coal miner or something-" I mean look she didn't say these things she was just like, "Hey Asterios you wanna record? Hey, you know, Asterios why don't you record?" But it's just like-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios for the love of God you need to do something.
Asterios: [laughs] Yeah exactly! You know, so it's like well today I guess she was in charge. But sometimes, I... really wanna like eat sushi? And I'll be like, "We're gettin' sushi." And she'll be like, "Yeah." So it's like, you know, we take turns.
Sriracha: Yeah, you gotta really care about what we're doin'. Like sometimes I drag you to the Gossier pop up in Manhattan, just to watch me play with fuckin' makeup for an hour.
Asterios: I just thought that was cute.
Sriracha: And you gotta sit there like a bitch.
Asterios: Okay, well, now I think we're starting to find who's wearing the pants in the relationship. We're gonna start using loaded language. No, I had a lot of fun in the Glossier store! I thought it was real cute. You know what, there was just like a bunch of hot girls walking around, putting on makeup, and I'm just like, "It's my job not to stare at any of these girls while my girlfriend's here." It was very difficult.
Sriracha: Somebody brought a dog in, I don't feel like that should be allowed.
Asterios: No, I generally don't think that a dog should be running around a makeup sample warehouse but um...
Sriracha: You're gonna give everybody herpes. Like Sephora.
Asterios: I'm sorry, what?
Sriracha: Everybody at Sephora got herpes that one time, remember?
Sriracha: Beca- [laughs]
Asterios: What are you talking about?
Sriracha: Okay so somebody with herpes went into a Sephora, and you know how they have all those little testers?
Asterios: Ye- okay.
Sriracha: Well the herpes victim put- rubbed their fuckin' lips all over all everything I guess.
Asterios: Wait, like on purpose? Like fuck- fuckin' unabomber but with herpes?
Sriracha: I don't know. I like to- I like to image that scenario now. I hadn't been thinking of it that way but I'm all for domestic terrori- oops. [Asterios and Sriracha laugh] Um.
Asterios: Alright, I'm gonna take us into some questions before we get into trouble.
Sriracha: Yeah good idea.
Asterios: Alright. Our first question reads, "Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week." Oh by the way, these are all real questions, from real kids, who really need our help. Uh, submission on the site reads, "Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher 'dad'-"
Asterios: "-even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix people up like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?" That's Mendez, age eleven.
Sriracha: Is that a girl name or a boy name?
Asterios: I don't- well wait. Which is worse? And why? Let's discuss.
Sriracha: Okay so if you're a girl you don't have to do anything because we have this thing called "Daddy Kink" now? [laughs] So-
Asterios: [interjecting] You brought up daddy kink on episode one.
Sriracha: Yeah so you-
Asterios: [interjecting] You've already...
Sriracha: Get a tumblr, start wearin' pastel chokers at American Apparel, uh tennis skirts and just- you need to roll with it. You're now "Daddy Girl" so be like, "Hey daddy, lookin' like a snack today."
Asterios: Is there any child's problem that you think can't be solved with daddy daughter sexual role play?
Sriracha: Most of them I would say.
Asterios: Okay it seems like that's what you do think. Um, well calling the teacher dad is... that's a couple of months worth of like, mental hard-drive space in your classmates. Like, I try to think of like childhood fuck-ups, like, "how long will this be fun or interesting to talk about?" Months, calling your teacher dad, that's a bad one.
Sriracha: But it's gonna occupy- the most important thing to remember is it's gonna occupy much more real estate in your mind-
Asterios: [inerjecting] That's a good point!
Sriracha: Than in anyone else's. Oh man, I have like a terabyte of [laughs] painful childhood memories downloaded into my... CPU in my brain.
Asterios: It's really hard-
Sriracha: [interjecting] It's like, you ever been just layin' in bed at night and it's like, "Hey, remember when you pissed yourself in school?" [laughs]
Asterios: Oh no I did piss myself in school once.
Sriracha: Tell me your story 'cause I've done it at like an inappropriate age I believe.
Asterios: Oh okay. I think I was in second grade and I was giving a book report about a Garfield book. And I really had to go to the bathroom but I was really nervous 'cause like I had to finish my report, and so bottom line like, you know... I'm pretty much just readin' the back cover of like a Garfield Treasury. I'm just like, you know, "Garfield is ten and he's fat and fabulous." Like, "Join- join Jon, Odie Nermall and the gang-" and then pee just started running [Sriracha laughs] down the leg of one of my Catholic school trousers?
Sriracha: Oh noo.
Asterios: Because we had little Catholic school uniforms and I remember this so clearly. So we had little Catholic school uniforms so we had to wearsuit pants. And we had to wear suit pants that... we were super pleated in the front? You know what I mean?
Sriracha: To hide the shame boners.
Asterios: Yes, to hide the shame boners- but all the way down the leg too. So like, the front- our legs were like-
Sriracha: [interjecting] What?
Asterios: - little kinda, they had like little tented openings. Be-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Little accordion legs?
Asterios: Ah- hmm. No how do I describe this. Alright, imagine like a military dress uniform. Like, it's ironed flat so that like- alright so- so imagine-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh so you got the- you got the sharp part runnin' down the front of the pants.
Asterios: [interjecting] The sharp part going down the front of the leg like a sharp pleat. Which of course help the pee run down it, it acts like as a pee pee gutter.
Sriracha: Oh no.
Asterios: To like help aim and guide the pee. And so um, so that was embarrassing and I've never forgotten it.
Sriracha: Guess what grade I pissed my pants in. Last.
Asterios: Ninth grade.
Sriracha: Sixth motherfuckin' grade.
Sriracha: It was-
Asterios: [interjecting] What happened?
Sriracha: I remember it clear as a fuckin' bell. I [laughs] was sitting at lunch, and my friend Madison told a funny joke, and for so- I don't remember what the fuckin' joke was, but I wish I could because I lost my goddamn mind. I started laughing, and laughing, in hysterics. I was so- I was laughing so hard I think I almost lo- went insane. And just all of a sudden, the dam burst and I pissed my pants. And I'm sittin' there, and I'm like, "I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do?" So I got like a- at the time the style was like you had sweat shirts that you tied around your waist.
Sriracha: So I had a sweatshirt tied around my waist and I'm like, "What do I do? Do I like- if I like sit on this maybe this'll soak up some of the piss." And so I do it, and that's just making it worse, so I'm like, "Oh my God what am I gonna do." There's like a lot of piss. I would say probably about... two to three cups of piss.
Sriracha: Soaking into now my sweatshirt, and my jeans. So, excuse myself, I run as fast as I can to the nurses office. And I'm li- [stammering] I'm like, "Hi I sat in water at lunch and I need-" like, did you ever- high or middle school have this like when girls came to school dressed like sloots they'd send them down to the um... nurses office to change into a pair of like, school approved pants?
Asterios: No but-
Sriracha: [interjecting] You didn't have that?
Asterios: I went to like a teeny tiny high school out in the country where like, I think they would just send you home, if you came dre- if you came to school dressed inappropriately.
Sriracha: Really ca-
Asterios: [interjecting] I think they would just call your parents.
Sriracha: Well half the kids at our school didn't have parents so. [laughs]
Sriracha: They had a box in the nurses office of just extra pairs of ugly-ass sweat pants and jeans and I was like, "Yeah I um sat in some water at lunch. So could I get a pair of the replacement sweatpants and bring them back tomorrow?" And the little bitch at the- of course she could smell it. She's lookin' at me like, "Bitch you pissed your pants, don't lie to me." But she's like- thankfully is uh gracious enough not to say anything. And just hands me a pair of sweatpants and gives me a bag for my pants covered- and sweatshirt now soaked in piss.
Asterios: Oh my God.
Sriracha: And yeah, these are the things that keep me awake at night.
Asterios: Okay, so nobody noticed!
Sriracha: Oh dude I have no idea who noticed.
Asterios: Nobody noticed.
Sriracha: Nobody said anything to me.
Asterios: You would be piss-pants girl the very next year. For the next year you'd be piss-pants girl.
Sriracha: Coulda been piss-pants girl behind my back. Nobody will ever know.
Asterios: Is that- oh right, lady bullying is different than boy bullying...
Sriracha: Yeaah, hell yeah.
Asterios: With boy bullying they'd make up a song about you and just sing it to your face. But lady bullying- uh oh there was probably like secret text chats going on.
Sriracha: Right, there was definitely like a one of those pager things they had- at some point they had pagers for kids.
Asterios: Yes they did oh my God.
Sriracha: Like, "Hey, oh look who's here, piss-pants decided to show up on time."
Asterios: Jesus Christ. Okay, I found the solution for this kid.
Sriracha: What is it.
Asterios: You gotta make this teacher your dad.
Sriracha: Oh shit! Good answer.
Asterios: I th-
Sriracha: [interjecting] But he says he loves his dad.
Asterios: That's fine, you can have two daddies. Like, you gotta- that's double the dads! Double the fun!
Sriracha: How's your bitch of a mom?
Asterios: Okay well I mean I we- we're really jumping to conclusions about the mom, but, you know, break up your parents, reverse parent trap. Break- get your parents to divorce. Introduce your mom to the teacher.
Sriracha: Or your dad.
Asterios: Or your dad- wait, or your dad and the teacher! Thank you, again how hetero-normative of me. And um-
Sriracha: And then you could tell all of the kids that you were psychic.
Asterios: [gasps] Yes! Oh my God! And then you can like ask the kids to like, how do y- how can you use your psychic powers? You can start to like tell their fortunes and futures in exchange for like c- the- the desserts in their school lunches.
Sriracha: And you could really fuck up your enemies that way too.
Asterios: Oh yeah, because you start to say like, "You're gonna get hit by a car on the way home." And then they're thinkin' to themselves like, "Oh no oh no I am," and they're so worried about it that they're so distracted when they're crossing the street that a car does hit them with the self-fulfilling prophesy!
Sriracha: Right, and you could tell them thing like, "Oh, you're gonna get pregnant at sixteen," and then they'll be worryin' about that for five fuckin' years.
Asterios: Yeah, until the moment they become pregnant at sixteen. 'Cause you- because now that you've put it in their head they're kinda like, "Well, as long as it's my destiny, time to get my swerve on." [Sriracha laughs] Is that a thing?
Sriracha: I've never heard it before but it sounds correct.
Asterios: Okay. So, bottom line: Mendez, find a way to somehow make this person your dad? Um, two dad means double Christmas presents. Two dads uh means you know, if one of them is bad a baseball the other one can be the- you know- the other one can work with you in the like the daddy uhh daughter, daddy son baseball league.
Sriracha: Hilarious opportunity for a Modern Family situation.
Asterios: I'm listening.
Sriracha: Haven't you ever seen Modern Family? Got a family with two dads. On one's a serious one, and one's the fun one that likes musical theatre.
Asterios: Which one's the fun one? The big fat guy?
Asterios: Okay, story checks out. Um-
Sriracha: The other one's a hard-ass accountant- er lawyer. I dunno I think he's a lawyer.
Asterios: Yeah I dunno. I-
Sriracha: I haven't seen that show in forever.
Asterios: Every time I'm wa- every time I try to watch Modern Family I just get sad.
Asterios: 'Cause I dun- alright I mean this is gonna be- this is gonna sound dumb. It's just uh, because I feel like Ed O'Neill deserved more. A long time ago Ed O'Neill was supposed to be the role of Al Swearengen in Deadwood. And like, Ed O'Neill apparently has like incredibly serious Chicago dramatic chops. Um, but because he played Al Bundy so well, now everyone only wants to cast him as Al Bundy, and he can only be Al Bundy. Um, and so- and so it kinda makes me sad that like, the only other Ed O'Neill Role is "Old Man Al Bundy."
Sriracha: Uh yeah, it's the same thing with uh, who is the- name of the act- Steve Carrell?
Sriracha: Apparently he did Michael Scott so well that they can't can't cast him at anything else but "Dumb incompetence idiot"
Sriracha: For the rest of his life? But apparently he's got- he's like a hardcore- he used to be a theatre actor or something?
Asterios: He was a- yeah. Steve Carrell was like a- a- huge in Second City, he- like, like you know he did a lot of improv training. Um, and he- he's acting in some really serious parts in indie films because the only way he could get a role that's not him being like a bumbling uncle, is if the movie pays him ten dollars and like shoots out in the desert somewhere, and it's him and a bunch of no-name actors.
Sriracha: Yeah. Uh-huh. Aw man, poor guys.
Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah I know.
Sriracha: They're just too rich and famous.
Asterios: That's [laughs]. Alright, uh movin' on to our next question: CRINGE writes...
Sriracha: Oh boy...
Asterios: Uh, "My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don't wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?" I will say this: my friends and I all had to like have a sit-down summit about not using the word "gay" as a pejorative.
Sriracha: H-ooh what year was this?
Asterios: This was, unfortunat- okay here's what happened. I never really used it as a pejorative in grade school, or high school, or middle school. Like, I went to a teeny tiny school. My graduating class was 42 kids. We- we wouldn't go that hard at each other. It's- we knew each other our whole lives. But, when I got to college, me and my friend Joan started calling everything gay [Sriracha laughs]. We were like, "That's so gay, you're so gay, this food tastes gay, this line is so gay it's taking so long," and- and so we had to- I remember like having- I remember us getting together in a dorm room and being like, "We have to- we've been using the word 'gay' ironically so often that now we're using it way t- for real."
Sriracha: Oh really?
Asterios: Yeah! And so we had to stop. And of course, you know, Joan later came out as trans, so it was like, "Oh, double reason not to use pejoratives."
Sriracha: Yeaah, I had to do the same. I had to un-train myself to calling people R-tards.
Asterios: Yeah. It's hard 'cause it's the funni- I hate to say it but it is the funniest word.
Sriracha: [quietly] Fuck. [normal volume] Aw in one high school my- my catchphrase was "window licker."
Sriracha: That's what I would call people.
Asterios: You would call- that's great! Wait, why would you call them window licker?
Sriracha: That is not great. That is analogous to calling someone an R-tard.
Asterios: I d- I've never heard the phrase before so I wasn't aware of the baggage.
Sriracha: Oh okay well it basically means the same thing like [window licking sounds].
Asterios: Ooooh, I thought it was something you invented.
Sriracha: No. [laughs]
Asterios: Oh. Don't call anybody that. Ooh-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah you don't gotta tell me. "Gay food" [laughs]
Asterios: For the- you know for a long time I start- not for a long time but there was like a month when I was like, alright, so I used- I loved watching the Venture Brothers cartoon in college? And one of the characters called another character a "mo". And I was like, "Oh that's so funny, it just means like dumb idiot." So I'd call people or things "mo," and then my friend was like, "No that's short for... homo."
Sriracha: Oh shit.
Asterios: And I was like, "Ooohh... I'm so so sorry I did not- I didn't know that."
Sriracha: First time I heard the word "dago" I was poppin' around "dago dago dago"
Asterios: Oooh God, okay.
Sriracha: I think you're thinking that's much worse than it actually is.
Asterios: I think you don't realize how bad it is.
Sriracha: Oh okay, I'm sorry if there are any Italians.
Asterios: [laughs] Ooh ho fuck! Can you try not to put such a stink- anyway [Sriracha laughs] um, you know- alright. Man, uh, CRINGE, age sixteen, here's what I want you to do: go on youtube and Vine and whatever the hell kids watch. There are like forty-year-old men making gay and suicide jokes on their youtube live-streams. If you look in like, some parts of the Internet where people are doing comedy, they are still acting like edgy teenagers. This is your chance to not do that.
Sriracha: To be fair though, 'cause let me just put this out there.
Sriracha: Depressed people? Make the most suicide jokes out of anybody.
Asterios: Oh that's right. Okay. That's true! Yeah, until the last suicide joke they make. It's almost as if it's a... a way to express a pent up feeling in a safe way.
Sriracha: Hell yeeah.
Asterios: It's almost as if they are uh (quote) crying for (quote) help, when they make those jokes.
Sriracha: Hell yeah brother. [both laugh]
Asterios: Oh my God. Uh, yeah. I mean I guess my advice is, look, if we tell you not to use these words because they're bad you'll want to use them twice as much. It's why I want to use the "R"- the "R"- the "R" word that means dumb? That I don't even want to s- I don't even want to allude to it? You know the one you were just saying?
Sriracha: I wasn't saying it, I was saying "R-tard."
Asterios: I know you were. I don't even wanna say that.
Sriracha: Oh okay.
Asterios: That's how bad I feel. But- no wait- backsliding. I think the word "tard" is very very funny and I can't get- and I can't- and I'm- I'm in my mid-thirties and it's just like, that's it for me. It's over.
Sriracha: You gotta think up your own insults. [Asterios gasps] And you can do it- mine was "Spaghetti" for the longest time? Spaghetti Brain? I was callin' people spaghetti brain? And that- you just need to find something that tickles you, personally. And for me it's spaghetti. [laughs]
Asterios: Yeah, I remember you were always like- I remember you were always like, "You got so much spagoo up in your brain." Like this is where you actually started to change spaghetti around to like "spageet" or "spugett".
Sriracha: [laughs] Spugoat.
Sriracha: My favorite for the longest time was after somebody said something stupid, maybe instead of saying, "Hey that's R-Word" you'd be like, "Wow, your pockets just beat out Italy as the world's number on producer of pasta there." [laughs]
Asterios: That's so good. You're very good at dressing people down. Something that I've told my friends before is like one of the reasons I don't wanna- I wouldn't wanna break up with Sriracha would be... I think she would cyber-bully me for the rest of my life.
Sriracha: Hell yeah brother!
Asterios: On like twenty different alt-accounts. It would just be some sort of non-stop cyber warfare.
Sriracha: Dustin I'm really sorry.
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Okay. Uh, third question. Um, "A Girl told me-" and you know what let's- let's make this the last question.
Asterios: Because unfortunately I have work at 9am tomorrow.
Sriracha: Yeah I'm tired.
Asterios: I have to be up at seven thirty. Okay. Uh, question number three, "Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?" We got-
Sriracha: The fuck you mean you "kind of beat him up?"
Asterios: Bu- hmm.
Sriracha: 'Cause that makes it sound like an accident. How the fuck do you suck dick on accident?
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Alright. I mean I guess, let's look at this charitably, 'cause this is a person that's written to us for help.
Asterios: So we should give him benefit of the doubt before... [mumbling] making fun of them and trying to destroy their self esteem. Um...
Sriracha: Oh I'm not trying to destroy nobody's self esteem! Good for you bud, you're gonna be drownin' in puss.
Asterios: That's true!
Sriracha: If everybody finds out you beat that big kid up.
Asterios: That's- that's a really good point. Okay, alright. Girl told you- girl told- "A girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her."
Sriracha: Yeah. Uh, "fuck bitches, get money."
Asterios: [interjecting] No I agree.
Sriracha: [interjecting] That's what you learned.
Asterios: Look, I agr-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Good job kid, you're doin' everything right. Whats the question here?
Asterios: I wouldn't use those words but I agree with the sentiment. Um, alright, so literally, you got girls coming after you, so much that you gotta run away, then those girls I guess send older boys to go get you and tell you that everything's okay?
Sriracha: And drag you back to them.
Asterios: And drag you back to them, to which your response is to beat the hell out of them.
Sriracha: Right, "I aint gonna let no one bitch hold me down." And you'll beat the fuck outta any pimp that comes to try to tear you back to his hoe.
Asterios: I'm... [Sriracha laughs] I can't beleive how easily you speak in a "1970's street pimp patois"
Sriracha: [laughs] 1970's street pimp, is that what I'm doin'?
Asterios: That is absolut- it- you sound very much like uh, the classic Dan Aykroyd character Dr. Detroit.
Sriracha: I can do a bunch of accents too.
Asterios: Okay you wanna do one now?
Sriracha: You want me to do my Sarah Palin? People usually like my Sarah Palin.
Asterios: I would love- wait, can we get Sarah Palin giving this kid advice?
Sriracha: Okay ready. [clears throat, then speaks in Sarah Palin voice] "What you say your name was? Rah-nee?"
Asterios: Uh, name was Jyri.
Sriracha: "Rah- Jyri I'm gonna call ya Ronny 'cause that sounds a little foreign for me. [Asterios laughs] Ronny, in Alaska we got a saying. We say, 'Why would ya spend all yer money on one moose, when you could get a whole flock 'a geese for the same amount?' So Ronny what I would tell ya is, you gotta go back to school with your dick swingin' between your legs [laughs]. And just own up to what ya did. Be like, 'fuck ya, I did beat-'" [laughs] accent slipping. [trying accent again] "I beat the shit- [both laugh]" No I can't do it.
Asterios: Ms. Palin are you having a stroke?
Sriracha: I can't do it when I'm laughing.
Sriracha: Yeah, no just go back to school and be like, "Fuck yeah I beat the shit outta that older kid. Who else wants some?" And everybody's gonna be like, "Mmmm" you're gonna have your- your choice of the other tenth graders.
Asterios: Yeah. This makes sense. "I beat up an older kid, girls are literally sending their goons after me to get a piece of me. Anyone who wants to step to this? You're gonna have to meet my friends 'TRUTH' and 'CONSEQUENCES'" and then you hold out your fists and you've written the words 'truth' and 'consequences' on your fists in sharpie.
Sriracha: [interjecting] Ooh get knuckle tattoos.
Asterios: Yeah, get knuck- definitely get knuckle tattoos. And um, I mean eventu- so it sounds like you're setting up kind of a winner take all scenario where the smartest, craftiest girl, the girl who "captures" you becomes your girlfriend, because she's earned it.
Sriracha: Right, you gotta make them bitches work for it.
Asterios: You gotta make them work for i- ah, again [Sriracha laughs] if we could clean up the language just a little bit, like uh- but uh...
Sriracha: I have cancer in my brain. [laughs]
Asterios: I don't think that's true! But I do notice that you changed your twitter name to "cancer.mov" the other day.
Sriracha: Well yeah 'cause that's probably gonna be the next I'm gonna have to cut out of my vocabulary but when I say "cancer" I don't mean cancer, I mean cancer.
Asterios: [sighs] Yeah I know. I know. No one ever means the horrible things they're saying. They mean another funnier thing, and if you're offended by that first thing you're a snowflake who's into PC culture.
Sriracha: Yeah, fuck you snowflakes.
Asterios: Ah goddamn it. Alright, well Jyri, I guess we're not really gonna give you advice so much as we're gonna say, "Great job."
Sriracha: Yeah 'cause you don't have a real problem.
Asterios: And we're proud of you.
Sriracha: Please save this line for people with real problems. [mocking] "Oh my penis is sooo big!"
Asterios: Well no, there is a real problem that we're not getting to. There's an underlying issue here.
Sriracha: What is it?
Asterios: Which is that this person might be gay. Like- [Sriracha laughs] like, you know, a girl asks- a girl's like, I like you. He runs away. A boy comes after him, what does he do? Gets physical with the boy.
Sriracha: I was gonna say.
Asterios: Starts rolling around with the boy. Because when you're young the way that you express these urges is often through bullying and violence! Just like you know, if you're into a girl you'll pull on her pigtails. A lot of times- you know, we've both read the stories on 4chan of like... bullying that's gone erotic...
Sriracha: Ha-have we? Have-have we both read those stories?
Asterios: Uh, well okay, I read reddit? I read reddit/r/4chan I don't read the actual 4chan?
Sriracha: Of course you do you fuckin' normie.
Asterios: Kay I just don't wanna go to that site. And- but a lot of the top posts are just like coming out stories. Actually, really sweet coming out stories.
Sriracha: You think anybody would get on the Internet and write something that isn't true?
Asterios: I guess. I just don't neccessarily know what you'd get out of writing a fake coming out story where it's like, "Haha, I was was only pretending to be that word Asterios won't say."
Sriracha: Did you see that kid that got his like life ruined because he posted on 4chan- here's how reddit actually ruined someone's life. He posted on 4chan, I wish I could remember the exact story but he was like, "I really wanna fuck my step sister. And um, every day I sit and I watch her like, naked through the doorway, but yesterday her friend uh... Ronny came over and they- her boyfriend Ronny came over and they were having sex and I sat there and masturbated." And someone screenshot that and put it on r/4chan, and it got to the top of r/4chan and the girl was able to like recognize who it was, and he came back on the other day,he was like, "Fuck you you- whoever you were, you cunt from reddit, you ruined my fucking life 'cause my step sister found that and uh confronted me about it and I just started spaghetti-ing all over the place." Either a really long con or a fake story but I choose to believe it.
Asterios: You know what? Unfortunately I also choose to believe it [Sriracha laughs]. Oh God. Well, in summary, I think the Internet has made things worse.
Sriracha: Yes it has.
Asterios: Not better. We ju- that kid's life just got absolutely destroyed. But, the Internet has made things better because now we can talk to people in like this fun podcast so that's cool. Are po- I think podcasts might be the only good thing to come out of technology in like the past fifteen years.
Asterios: I do like Grubhub.
Sriracha: Grubhub is the- if my Internet consisted only of Grubhub, I would be totally fine with that. Nuke the rest of it I don't care about anytihng else. Fuck Wikipedia, fuck ebay, fuck Wikileaks, fuck Amazon.com, fuck the government... websites, fuck everything involving banking, just... I want my computer, I want to rename it my grubhub machine.
Asterios: Wow. Yeah, it's really hard to argue with. We've disagreed about a lot on this episode Sriracha, but the one thing that we can both agree on it nuke the rest of the Internet. Um, thank you so much for listening to Asterios Kills a Kid. If you are a kid, or you have a kid who wants to submit a question? You can go to asterioskillsakid.com. A great way to support the show is through patreon.com/asterios. Even if you toss in a dollar, you get access to like at least one bonus episode of one of our shows a month. Usually more. Um. And uh, anything else Sriracha?
Sriracha: You get all the quality content early.
Asterios: Oh yeah, and you get like- you'll get episodes early, you'll get videos early, um, me and Sriracha we like to do a lot of stuff together just 'cause it's fun.
Asterios: And um, that's about it! Just, thanks a bunch for listening and we'll talk to you next time!
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]