Wasp sting your friend? 8th graders steal your snowball? A girl has bigger boobs than you? This episode's all about getting your revenge.
This is Producer Jesse welcoming you to another episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! If at any point while listening to the following you think, "Man, I know a kid with problems way more fucked up than this," go find that child, place them in front of a computer, and get them to submit their questions here.
The first question this episode is from Hailey, a seven-year-old girl who's out for blood:
Hello, can you help me? Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it?
— Hailey, 7
Asterios and Sriracha soberly advise Hailey to listen to her parents, who are only looking out for her safety and — oh wait, no, it turns out they recommend becoming a martyr for wasp genocide? HA! Who gave these assholes a podcast?
Next up is a girl who's got two very big problems:
I’m 14 and I’m very insecure about my large Breast size. My friends all think it’s great, but it bothers me that I look in the mirror every day to see something that is just uncomfortable and doesn’t even fit my personality or my body.
I always see people staring and it really frustrates me. I tell them it’s really annoying but it keeps happening. I told my mom this and she just says I should be happy and feel blessed but I don’t. How am I blessed with something that’s so painful, heavy, and big that I can’t even stand it? No 14 year old should have a DD bra size or have to deal with them and learn to fit into stuff at this age. It’s just not right.
— Big Breasts, 14
Sriracha lightheartedly recommends committing suicide, before moving on to her real advice, which is to commit suicide. Asterios, not ready to commit to the show's premise that explicitly, digs deeper.
Finally, a tale of heartbreak as old as time itself:
The snow was really packy yesterday so I decided to roll a giant snowball. By the end of the day it was so big I could barely move it. It was awesome! But today when I got to school it was gone. The 8th graders took apart everyone's snow men and stole my snowball to make a giant snow fort. The teachers don't care even though everyone is upset. I want to get back at them but they're scary. I'm only in grade 4. What should I do?
— Snowball, 9
How will David take on Goliath? Well, if he follows Asterios' advice he'll frame Goliath for planning the next Columbine. Or he can follow Sriracha's advice: lead him to believe he got cucked by a 4th grader.
Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!
And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]
Sriracha: Hi how are you doin'?
Asterios: Hey what's going on? Welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid. That's really the name of the show?
Sriracha: I guess so, I mean I pitched it in the last episode. Do you like it?
Asterios: I really like it but I just want to make sure you're cool with it 'cause I love it?
Sriracha: It's not my fuckin' show I don't give a shit.
Asterios: Oh you don't give a shit?
Sriracha: Yeah no it's not like "Sriracha Destroys a Property".
Asterios: Okay well that- actually wait- spin-off show, Sriracha destroys a property. Sriracha drives around with a baseball bat playing mailbox baseball 24/7. What do ya think?
Sriracha: Was that a thing? Killing mailboxes?
Sriracha: Or is that a thing just in movies?
Asterios: No! No no no. What you do is, you drive around town 'cause you're bored, and you- you sit on the car door outside the window, and as mailboxes go by you swing at 'em with a baseball bat.
Sriracha: Growing up in the city we never ever once did that.
Asterios: Well you don't have mailboxes in the city.
Sriracha: We also have things to do in the city.
Asterios: Yeah, we don't have things to do out in the su- I grew up on the- in the least inhabited part of long Island.
Sriracha: And I grew up in a city and I won't tell you what city but it rhymes with shmosh-shamgales.
Asterios: I don't know what- what could that possibly be?!
Sriracha: Beats the fuck out of me.
Asterios: Alright cheers, put 'em up [clink of glasses]. Okay, I'd like to thank everybody for liking the first episode. People liked it. What no one can- [muffled laugh from Sriracha] no one can-
Sriracha: I love you.
Asterios: What are you- no one can hear you eating the microphone.
Sriracha: Everyone that liked this episode I love you.
Asterios: Okay I love you too.
Sriracha: Thank you.
Asterios: I'd also like to thank Producer Jesse for sending in the questions that's we're gonna read this episode.
Sriracha: Thank you so much Jesse.
Asterios: Thank you Jesse. And I'd like to remind people that they can send in their own questions from their kids at - and this is a real website - asterioskillsakid.com.
Sriracha: It doesn't even have to be from your kid. Get the neighborhood kid.
Asterios: Just get a kid. Just don't send in your own questions, we only want questions from kids.
Sriracha: We're not equipped to handle adult questions.
Asterios: Abso- look. We can't handle our own problems.
Sriracha: I have a degree in psychology which means I'm not technically a psychologist. [Asterios laughs] Listen we can't do adults but if you're a kid writin' in then I can non-discriminately tell you what to do.
Asterios: Alright, well let's see if we can help this first kid, "Hello-" uh this question reads, "Hello can you help me? [Sriracha laughs] Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it? Signed Hailey, 7 years old.
Sriracha: So is her problem that her parents think it's morally wrong to wreck a wasp nest and not that she's going to be stung to death?
Asterios: I honestly- I'm gonna tell you both are hazards. There is the moral hazard of like, "Come on, these wasps were just trying to protect their nest." But there's also like, "You don't fuckin' rile up a hornets nest." That's where the colloquialism "hornet's nest" comes from.
Sriracha: No that first one is completely in- like throw that in the garbage because wasps are assholes.
Asterios: I- yes they are- honey bees at least give us delicious honey!
Sriracha: Honey bees don't attack you!
Sriracha: Honey bees are cute and big and they bumble from flower to flower.
Asterios: That's why they're called bumble bees!
Sriracha: [interjecting] Right, and wasps-
Asterios: Wasps are called "asshole bees."
Sriracha: Wasps? Like I think their actual like, environmental camouflage is that they look like hone bees.
Sriracha: Like they make- they look like they make honey but actually they're super big fat dicks that are ready to fuck you in the eye hole.
Asterios: Yup! I'm gonna tell you right now, if you have- Hailey.
Asterios: If you have the opportunity to take out a wasps nest...
Sriracha: Do it.
Asterios: You fuckin' do it. Look. A honey bee stings you once and it dies. That honey bee's not gonna sting you unless it is literally to protect the queen. A wasp can sting you like a hundred times and then just fly away and be a sonofabitch.
Sriracha: Is that how wasps work? I thought they stung once and died to but-
Asterios: Nope, that's not how wasps work. Wasps and hornets can sting multiple times. They will sting you over and over and over again. And then fly home and play Nintendo Wii and be a real sonofabitch.
Sriracha: Of course, okay, so we gotta develop a plan. Let's develop a- what's this chick's name?
Asterios: Uh, her name is "Hailey" and we have to help her.
Sriracha: Hailey. Hailey we gotta just, form a plan, okay luckily, luckily you are human [unintelligible]. We have technology on our side.
Asterios: Mhmm, we sure do.
Sriracha: I personally... it's Sriracha's official stand-point - and feel free to replicate this if I ever run for office at some point [Asterios laughs] - I think we should kill every wasp dead. In the words of Kendrick Lamar, "Kill 'em all dead bodies in the hallway." I think we should wa- honey bees,totally different thing. I think we should let the honey bees flourish. Wasps, we need to hunt down and murder like genocide.
Asterios: Let me tell you what honey bees give us: A-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Honey.
Asterios: Honey. Delicious. Have you ever had a spoonful o' honey?
Sriracha: You ever put it on your face? It clears your acne.
Asterios: It clears your acne, if you have a local honey it- local to the region where you live it can help you uh take care of allergies.
Sriracha: Yeah I was gonna say, 'cause the honey incorporates the pollen? So if you eat enough honey then you won't be afraid of normal flowers.
Asterios: Exactly. Honey Nut Cheerios, fantastic.
Asterios: Okay, quick question Sriracha. What do you like better? Honey Nut Cheerios, or Frosted Cheerios?
Sriracha: Absolutely Honey Nut Cheerios.
Asterios: You know what me too 'cause I can eat Frosted Flakes.
Asterios: Okay, Honey Nut Cheerios, what do you lo- when you love someone you call them "Honey." You don't call them "Waspy!"
Asterios: Okay, so we're agreed. Here's what you gotta do to this wasps' nest. Hmmm... okay. Hailey, go into your parent's garage, and find their high-pressure water...
Sriracha: The- the thing you use to clear the driveway.
Asterios: The thing you use to clear the dri- what- I forget what it's called, but the water-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Pressure washer.
Asterios: The pressure washer, thank you! You find your parents' pressure washer, you hook up a hose to it-
Sriracha: And you hit the wasp nest and it just cracks in half.
Asterios: Exactly. You fill it with gasoline, you stand way back-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Wait wha- I'm sorry gasoline?
Asterios: That's how pressure wa- wait did you have an electric pressure washer?
Sriracha: I filled mine with "water" not gasoline.
Asterios: Okay but you have to fill it with both. My pressure washer ran on gasoline but also... you know it- it used- because you pulled on it like a- a lawn mower and it started the motor and that's how the pressure washer worked.
Sriracha: Ours was just connected to our house. So I assume it ran on electricity.
Asterios: Okay well, look, power up your pressure washer through either electricity or gasoline, start that motherfucker up, and cut that wasps' nest down.
Sriracha: VROOM VROOM BITCH!
Asterios: Exactly. And that way if it doesn't work you can... run away real fast.
Sriracha: You gotta get, s- okay wait. Armour. Armour.
Asterios: [interjecting] I mean real fast have you seen the movie "Stand by Me?"
Sriracha: Have you ever seen a bee keeper? They don't dress like normal bitches. They have those whole like- like a fencing...
Sriracha: They look like they're ready to fence. So Hailey-
Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah they look like they are on the fencing team.
Sriracha: Before you go to fight the- before you go to battle, you need to think of yourself like Joan of Arc.
Sriracha: Would Joan "The Maid" just show up standing in her rags? No. Fuck you. Of course not.
Asterios: [in background] No, absolutely not.
Sriracha: She would dress in her standard uniform. So what your uniform is - Hailey - is I think, some form of fencing uniform, to keep the bees stingers away, and also coat yourself in a thick layer of pheromones.
Asterios: Wait... I was with you until the pheromones. Why do you want to cover yourself in a thick layer of pheromones?
Sriracha: I didn't say "bee pheromones."
Asterios: Okay, what, "anti-bee pheromones?"
Sriracha: Yes. Anti-wasp pheromones.
Asterios: What's the "anti-wasp?" What, like dog pheromones? I'm tryin' to think of- 'cause the thing is wasps fear nothing. Wasps are the asshole of the animal kingdom.
Sriracha: Wasps fear nothing. Wasps just want to kill and attack and rape and pillage everywhere.
Asterios: Okay I would use all of those words except one.
Sriracha: Wasps want to "ravage" and pillage.
Asterios: Thank you!
Sriracha: Everything in their sight. But Hailey, if you coat yourself in a thick layer of anti-wasp pheromones? [Asterios laughs] It will keep-
Asterios: [interjecting] What are you talking about?
Sriracha: -them away from you.
Asterios: When you say anti wasp phero- you got a name and ev-
Sriracha: And then you pull that bat out.
Asterios: There's no such animal as an anti-wasp!
Sriracha: I want you to take a bunch o' nails and nail it through that bat.
Asterios: Okay, here's what you-
Sriracha: [interjecting] And then I want you to slam into that nest.
Asterios: Okay, so what you're saying is, get closer to the wasps' nest, and also, cover yourself in reproductive chemicals.
Sriracha: Yes, whats the problem here?
Asterios: Okay, here's what I'm gonna suggest to you Hailey: wrap yourself up in towels. Fin- get like a bunch of extension cords or rope or something, and just wrap yourself up in layer after layer of towels because a wasps' stinger is not thick enough to sting through a wrapped towel.
Sriracha: It's only what, like half-an-inch long?
Asterios: Yeah, that's the thing! So, then get your- get your high pressure water squirter - or I guess your baseball bat [Sriracha laughs] - but the thing is-
Sriracha: [interjecting] With nails in it!
Asterios: The thing is you got one swing of the bat. Mighty Casey? More like mighty Hailey. Hailey, if you don't knock this wasps' nest clear outta the park...
Sriracha: I read this thing the one time that like if we killed all wasps, the environment would have no negative consequences.
Sriracha: 'Cause the only thing they do is imitate bees.
Sriracha: And bees are doing the actual job.
Asterios: Bees, I love bees!
Sriracha: Everybody loves bees.
Asterios: Have you ever gone to Halloween and you've seen like three hot chicks dressed like bees?
Sriracha: I did dress as a bee once. I was a sexy bee.
Asterios: Okay well tell me more.
Sriracha: I... don't know how to tell you more. I was a sexy bee.
Asterios: [mumbling suggestively and unintelligibly] . . . sexy bee huh [more mumbling]
Sriracha: I'm- I'm- I'm a bee.
Asterios: Okay, did you wear like little black leggings like..?
Sriracha: Yeah no I had little black leggings and then a little-
Asterios: [interjecting] Yellow hee- yellow high heels?
Sriracha: Neon tutu.
Asterios: I don't understand why the bee costume has become a sexy Halloween costume, but I know that it has, and I appreciate it.
Sriracha: Everything has become a sexy Hallo- what do you mean you don't underst- everything has become a sexy Halloween costume. You name it, it's a sexy Halloween costume.
Sriracha: Anything that would have been a co- a common Halloween costume before this year, like before October, 2018: it's a sexy costume.
Asterios: I've never seen a sexy pope. And I would re-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh really? Well I'm gonna pull up my phone right now because I- I am a hundred percent positive that exists.
Asterios: [distant] Okay, find it!
Sriracha: Sexy pope. They had a baby dressed as pope.
Asterios: Well, if you think that's sexy there's something wrong with you.
Sriracha: I don't but- 'kay? [sound of something falling] Oh shit. Anyway, sexy pope.
Asterios: May I see that? This is a very sexy pope.
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: Oh my God.
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: I didn't know the pope wore thigh-highs.
Sriracha: He does.
Asterios: I guess he does.
Sriracha: He do!
Asterios: I didn't- here's what I've never thought about: putting a crucifix...between that. But now it kinda makes too much sense!
Sriracha: I mean what is a crucifix.
Asterios: It's just like a, you know it's like a-
Sriracha: [interjecting] It's a left horizontal line and a right horizontal line and then something very dangerous in the middle.
Asterios: Very dangerous.
Sriracha: Know anything else? Exactly.
Asterios: [laughs] Alright Hailey, bottom line: don't listen to your parents, take out this wasps' nest, tell us how it went-
Sriracha: And there's not even gonna be any honey. But just know that you will be a martyr.
Asterios: Wait, that's a bad thing, a martyr dies.
Sriracha: There's gonna be no honey in that nest. It's not like you're gonna smash it with a baseball bat and then glorious honey.
Asterios: She's not- she's not honey hunting! She's wasp hunting!
Sriracha: Then just hit it, and kill it, and run away. What's the problem?
Asterios: Have you ever killed a wasps' nest? You're talking about this like it's literally the easiest thing in the world. It's very hard to take out hundreds of wasps.
Sriracha: That's why I'm saying be in a goddamn costume, bitch.
Asterios: Wait- is your advice to Hailey to put on a bumblebee costume and go kill a bunch of wasps?
Sriracha: Listen my co- my advice is to get sexy, get into a hot sexy wasps-hunting costume.
Sriracha: Whether that is a priest, and you wanna use the power of Christ to compel these wasps out of your home, or if you just wanna dress up like a ninja turtle, I don't care. Just use something with at least an inch thickness of fabric. A sumo wrestling costume would probably be the best option.
Asterios: "Sexy costumes" and "costumes that it is safe to hunt wasps in" are antithetical. That sexy pope costume you showed me? Got bare shoulders.
Sriracha: I mean I guess that's- what are you into Asterios?
Asterios: Wait I'm sorry what did you say?
Sriracha: What are you into Asterios? I guess that really depends.
Asterios: Okay well here's what I'm into: [vulnerable tone] I'm into girls who like, don't judge me. I'm into girls who are like, "Hey, I know that you may be kind of an off-the-beaten-path kinda guy. You may not be like a 'Chad' so to speak. But I can see that you're really trying and that you have a gift to offer the world, and I appreciate that gift." That's hot to me.
Sriracha: If you're in the bar and you see guys that are like a Chad, do you feel self-conscious?
Asterios: Oh my God are you fucking kidding me? When I see Chads I'm just like, [groaning whine] "Why did they have to come to this bar, I thought I went to a shitty enough bar that there wouldn't be any Chads here and now there's Chads here. It's- I mean when you see like a- you, as a ten, when you see like another ten doesn't it upset you?
Sriracha: Okay uh, I'm gonna rephrase your question, do you- when I see a girl in the same attractive-level as me does it upset me?
Asterios: No, I asked my question. And it's the question I meant to ask.
Sriracha: Delete your account and also kill yourself.
Asterios: Okay let's-
Sriracha: [interjecting] When I see a beautiful woman, out in a bar?
Asterios: Mhmm? Yeah.
Sriracha: My first instinct is I wanna latch into her.
Asterios: Wait what?!
Sriracha: 'Cause I wanna get her subsidies.
Asterios: Subsidies?! What are you talking about?
Sriracha: Right, like there's the beautiful, the beautiful- the queen bee has all these male bees slocking around with her, well she's gonna pick the best but the- what's the second best? Probably like, like if the queen bee wants the ten outta ten, she's gonna leave the nines. Well the nines are for Sriracha.
Asterios: Oh my God you're- oh that's brilliant!
Sriracha: Right, so if Sriracha can get in close enough with the ten, then Sriracha can get the subsidies.
Asterios: Sriracha, I'm very impressed by you and that's all I'm gonna say, I'm very very impressed. You wanna hear the next question?
Asterios: Okay, this next question... oh no.
Sriracha: Oh Christ.
Asterios: He- this next question reads, "I’m 14 and I’m very insecure about my large Breast size.-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh fuckin' show off kill yourself.
Asterios: "My friends think it’s great, but it bothers me that I look in the mirror every day to see something that is just uncomfortable and doesn’t even fit my personality or my body. I always see People staring and it really frustrates me. I tell them it’s really annoying but it keeps happening. I told my mom this and she just says I should be happy and feel blessed," - [Asterios laughs] oh- what's her mom Christie Brinkley over here - " but I don’t. How am I blessed with something that’s so painful- painful, heavy, and big that I can’t even stand it? No 14 year old should have a double D bra size or have to deal with them and learn to fit into stuff at this age. It’s just not right." Signed, "Big Breasts" age fourteen. What do we do? How do we help this-
Sriracha: Commit suicide.
Asterios: THAT'S A TERRIBLE- she's fourteen years old Sriracha!
Sriracha: Commit suicide.
Asterios: Sriracha. Okay well first off, the answer to every question we could get could be, "commit suicide."
Sriracha: No. Nah nah nah no no. He's just saying that to make you feel better. You- the only way to get rid of this is to kill yourself.
Asterios: Okay, Sriracha, what- okay. Sriracha? This girl's getting a lot of unwelcome, unwanted attention. She has developed-
Sriracha: CAN'T RELATE.
Asterios: What do you mean you can't relate?
Sriracha: I am twenty three years old...
Asterios: Uh huh.
Sriracha: My breast size is a 32 B. Kill yourself.
Asterios: Okay, I don't know how deep I wanna go into this.
Sriracha: No, deep as you wanna go. I'm ready.
Asterios: Okay. You look pretty good.
Sriracha: Kill yourself.
Asterios: Yeah I knew you were gonna say that. What you got goin' on, is a pretty good thing-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Kill yourself.
Asterios: Okay, again. You're saying that defensively and I totally understand. Uh, as someone who has-
Sriracha: [interjecting] "a small tit fetish"
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God no! As someone who has dated a little bit, I can tell you this: bigger is not always better.
Sriracha: Hell yeah!
Asterios: I think, and I'm- I'm saying this for you, I guess kinda fuck this girl at this point because-
Sriracha: Are you saying that just for me, or is it 'cause you actually feel this way?
Asterios: Well both, I'm not gonna lie to you, especially on a podcast.
Sriracha: Right because this is corroborative.
Asterios: Yes, well in addition to being corroborative it's also like, I'm not gonna lie to you. You know how hard it is to lie? You gotta remember a lie forever.
Sriracha: It really does.
Asterios: Yeah, here- every single time whatever trigger for your lie comes up, you gotta remember the lie, you gotta say the lie, you gotta deepen the lie, the lie becomes your life. It is so- the truth is the easiest thing to remember so I always tell the truth.
Sriracha: Tell me your longest running lie that you've told to a hot chick. And how you got found out.
Asterios: Okay. I guess my longest running lie to a hot chick is, "I'm totally cool with polyamory! It's totally normal and cool and-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh noooo...
Asterios: "-whatever, it's just, we're all adults and we're normal and whatever." Whereas in real life I would be like, "That's kinda weird [Sriracha hisses] that- that you do that. Don't do that. Don't be into that." BUT-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Stop doing that.
Asterios: I don't wanna yuck anyone's yum. I just- look. As a person, it is so hard for me to split my focus. I kinda like having like, one girl, who I love, and she's nice. Like, I have friends who are into polyamory, and I'm just like, "Yeah you go girl!" but in- secretly inside I'm like, "oh, you know girl, that that's bad girl [Sriracha laughs], don't do that girl, you're gonna be sad girl, stop doing this girl-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] "Girl, why are you doing that girl?"
Asterios: Yeah exac- but I don't wanna yuck, anyone's yum!
Sriracha: No dude I have so many girlfriends like that.
Sriracha: It's like they tell me things like, "Oh I'm bangin' a married dude!" and on the outside I'm like, "YASS" and on the inside I'm like, "nooOOoo."
Asterios: There has to be an opposite of "yass" called "nass."
Sriracha: NAAAAA [Asterios laughs]
Asterios: Oh my god. Alright, hold on, I'm gonna go- do you need to go to the bathroom?
Asterios: Okay, well I definitely do, so I'll be right back.
[short clip of static]
Asterios: Are you jealous of this fourteen year old girl with double D-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeess.
Sriracha: 'Cause she's got double D breasts. And I have nothing!
Asterios: You don't have nothing. You've got- you've got something.
Asterios: They're not- why do you think that?
Sriracha: Listen, alls I'm saying if is- if I was in porn I would be in a fetish category.
Asterios: Everything's a fetish! There's like a "pretty girl" fetish now.
Sriracha: That's not true.
Asterios: Yes it is. Uh, reddit.com/r/realgirls, where it's just like, "oh these girls are very pretty." They found a way to fetishize "very pretty girls."
Transcriber's Note: Here's a link: http://reddit.com/r/realgirls. Obviously NSFW.
Sriracha: No, I think that's fetishizing people that would post themselves on reddit, which is the opposite of pretty.
Asterios: Okay that is true. Bigger is not always better, and I- I'm not kidding when I say this. Sometimes it's kinda like, uh- hmm how do I phrase this.
Sriracha: No man I don't even want big tits they're annoying and I can't even grab 'em.
Asterios: Right that's you saying that you do want them. Um, here's what I'm saying. Sometimes it's kinda like uh, grabbin' a pile o' jello.
Sriracha: Is that what tits feel like to you?
Asterios: N- I'm just saying that bigger's not always better. Sometimes it's kinda like, "Oh, there's a lot of jello here and I'm gonna try to grab this jello and... I can't hold this jello.
Sriracha: There's simple to much jello.
Asterios: There's too much jello and it's everywhere and there's- it's not holding its shape. See here's the thing: you won't remember this 'cause you're a millennial, but at one point there was jello, and there was jello jigglers.
Sriracha: I remember jello jigglers.
Asterios: Oh, okay. Well the difference between jello and jello jigglers was that jello jigglers were firmer and could hold their shape.
Asterios: You could cut them into stars and hearts and whatever you wanted. You know why we had jello jigglers? Because you can't cut regular jello into shapes. And some-
Sriracha: [interjecting] I always thought that jello jigglers were for jello shots.
Asterios: No, jello shots- it's just regular jello!
Sriracha: No, but like think about jello jigglers. They're- even commercials showed them like, "Ooh a [unintelligible] and it's jigglin' like a motherfucker. Like come on, grab it. It's full of alcohol. Come on, grab it."
Asterios: You've got jello jigglers. Other girls have jello. Now imagine a big bowl of jello, maybe its delicious, but you definitely can't hold it in your hand like you can hold the jello jiggler.
Sriracha: I want everybody to vote in the comments. Put one if you think my tits are fine, put two if you think that I [Asterios laughs] could make them bigger somehow.
Asterios: Alright, so I guess our advice to this girl is... "kill yourself?"
Sriracha: Kill yourself. Kill yourself.
Asterios: 'Kay that's terrible advice. How can we help this girl she's getting a lot of- she's fourteen years old and she's already being sexualized! That's terrible! How do we help her?
Sriracha: I dunno, get really smart or something. I don't know how to deal with this, I've never had this happen to me.
Asterios: Yeah well I've never had to deal with a wasps' nest either but I could give advice for that. Wow you really hate this fourteen year old girl don't you?
Sriracha: I don't hate this fourteen- okay here's what I would say fourteen-year-old.
Sriracha: First of all, congratulations.
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God.
Sriracha: I am man enough to concede when I've been beat [laughs]. You've defeated me, in the process of tit growings. Second of all uh... alls you gotta do right now is focus on your life. See, when you have the sexual advantage, you have all of the advantages. That's like uh, in World of Warcraft, it's like the overarching ability, right?
Sriracha: So you have so much power over these people you don't even know, right? So men are gonna be looking at you and their brains are gonna be going into potato salad because they're thinking about titty-fucking you. And women are just gonna be jealous of you, like moi. So what you gotta do is- the best thing you could do right now is focus on your academics. 'Cause you will get so far ahead of everyone that it will make you seem stupidly smart when you get to high school. And when people start looking- and nobody gives a shit about your tit size when you get to high school, am I right?
Asterios: No. You- your bust size is-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Let me rephrase that question.
Asterios: Kay. Okay.
Sriracha: When you get to high school, there will be a number of people with as-big titties as you.
Asterios: Okay! [quietly] Sounds like this girl has really big... really big breast size...
Sriracha: Right, if you go to an inner city high school there will be a bunch of chicks with big titties like you. So you can be the one with the smart big titties. Which'll be fun because you will get all the scholarships.
Asterios: Okay. You know what-
Sriracha: [interjecting] And then you will get to go to Harvard and fuck million dollar dick.
Asterios: Million dollar dick?!
Sriracha: Million dollar dick.
Asterios: Sriracha, I wasn't quite sure where you were headed with your answer-
Sriracha: [interjecting] I was headed to million dollar dick.
Asterios: But when you got to million dollar dick I com- that's absolutely right. You could fuck a future senator's dick.
Sriracha: Billion dollar dick.
Asterios: You could fuck a future governer's dick. You might even ride the dick of the future President.
Sriracha: Listen, Paris Hilton's boyfriend came from somewhere and it sure as shit wasn't Hollywood, so.
Asterios: That's exactly right. Okay, stay in school... girl- overdeveloped girl.
Sriracha: Suck dicks that you think will be senators. That's my advice to her.
Asterios: I think that might be the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life and I don't know how to handle it.
Sriracha: [deadpan] You could laugh.
Asterios: That's not what comedians do, comedians don't laugh.
Sriracha: Comedians don't do that. I'm a comedian, whenever somebody tells me something funny, the first thing I say is, "[fake laugh] That's funny."
Sriracha: Isn't that disgusting?
Asterios: No. That's what we do. We're just kinda like, [monotone] "Ah yes, I appreciate the joke you just made."
Sriracha: No, I say- if somebody says something funny to me I'm like "[scoffs] That's funny."
Asterios: When someone says something funny to you- is what you're trying to say, that when someone says something funny to you, what you do is say it's not funny?
Sriracha: No, I say it is funny do you guys wanna help me find friends?
Asterios: Wait what?
Sriracha: On the "Hey! VINA" app?
Asterios: The "Hey! VINA" app? What are you talking about?
Sriracha: Haven't I told you about this?
Sriracha: Okay gentlemen. So, uh, in New York City it's very hard for girls to find friends, because we're all workin' and suckin' dicks. Constantly. Ooh I got a bunch o' messages. So what we have is, we have the "Hey! VINA" app.
Sriracha: Which is the app for girls to find their girl squad.
Asterios: Whoa! Okay.
Sriracha: It's like Tinder, except there's no chance of you banging anyone.
Asterios: Okay, so Tinder but bad. Got it.
Sriracha: It's Tinder but bad. Yeah, okay. So let's see what kind of messages I have. "Do you live in Manhattan?" In the garbage immediately.
Asterios: [laughs] Sriracha you should have a lot more friends. You're so funny and nice and sweet.
Sriracha: I'm annoying and stupid.
Asterios: Okay, none of those are true.
Sriracha: I want you to help me- I want everyone in the audience to help me find friends.
Asterios: Okay, well listen if you're a girl in the New York- in the Tri-State area-
Sriracha: [interjecting] How can I hook up my "Hey! VINA" like Tinder to the stream? So they can decide if I can swipe left or right on potential friends?
Asterios: Well, seeing as I've just heard of this app just now, I don't know. But maybe next episode we can- why don't we go through "Hey! VINA"- well, you know what?
Sriracha: [interjecting] Guys, I want you to put the word "cuck" in the comments if you think the next episode you should be deciding who is my friend.
Asterios: Okay, well, look the word "cuck" is gonna be the comment no matter what-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Put "CUCK" in all c-
Asterios: [interjecting] It's 2018.
Sriracha: All caps. Just "CUCK CUCK CUCK CUCK CUCK CUCK."
Asterios: I am amazed how mainstream the word "cuck" has gone.
Sriracha: It we- it was on the cover of like what, New York Times out?
Asterios: Probably, yeah. I don't know what you're saying, but I agree with it.
Sriracha: Don't you remember that like- the- oh it was New York Post. They had the big drawings of Pence-
Asterios: The Daily News.
Sriracha: Yeah. Uh huh.
Asterios: Yes, on the cover of the New York Daily News was a picture of Donald Trump as a chicken fighting a picture of Steve Bannon as a chicken, and the headline read:
Asterios & Sriracha: "Cuck Fight"
Transcriber's Note: Here's a link to the image: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DSpymVJVAAE0HSm.jpg:large
Asterios: [sighs] I really should have bought that newspaper. I super goddam regret not owning that-
Sriracha: [interjecting] I have it! I have it.
Asterios: Thank God. Okay, let's do one more question.
Asterios: Alright this last question reads, "The snow was really packy yesterday-" was really packy. Okay, I guess that means firm. Which is good.
Asterios: Which a lot of- which a lot of other people don't have. Access to firm snow. And people that do have firm snow, should maybe appreciate it because there's a difference between firm snow and that kinda powdery snow that the moment you step on it it just collapses.
Sriracha: It's disgusting that's not even snow. That's just... rain. With the second layer added.
Asterios: Yeah that's what I'm tryin' to say so like, maybe if you don't have the most snow, but your snow is firm, that's better snow wha- agree or disagree?
Asterios: Okay good! [happily] The snow was really packy yesterday so I decided to roll a giant snowball. By the end of the day it was so big I could barely move it. It was awesome! But today when I got to school it was gone [Sriracha gasps]. The 8th graders took apart everyone’s snow men and stole my snowball to make a giant snow fort. The teachers don’t care even though everyone is upset. I want to get back at them but they’re scary. I’m only in grade 4. What should I do?" Snowball, age nine. Oh my God that- Snowball's a fourth grader, these fuckin' snow thieves are eighth graders, what the fuck can this fourth grader do? Jesus.
Sriracha: Let me tell you what to do bitch. Well you gotta get your girl squad together.
Sriracha: Fifth graders, you think that fifth graders got this much muscle than you? They don't- their balls haven't even dropped-
Asterios: [interjecting] They're eighth graders.
Sriracha: They haven't even ejaculated yet.
Asterios: Oh my god.
Sriracha: Exactly. So you gotta get on the "Hey! VINA" app...
Asterios: Uh huh?
Sriracha: And you need to be messaging, "Hey. Has your snow man been deleted? Send me a like. 'Cause I'm forming a resistance squad.
Sriracha: They will fight, for their right, to build snowmen.
Asterios: Okay, I gotta say, Sriracha, I definitely agree with your idea to use new media apps and new technologies to draw upon strength from outlying communities. I think that's really smart. I don't know if a fourth grader has access to the "Hey! VINA" app.
Sriracha: I think you gotta be eighteen.
Asterios: Yeah I think you gotta be eighteen.
Sriracha: No actually I think you gotta be twenty one, 'cause brunch is like such a central part [laughs] of the goddam app. I swear to God you can-
Asterios: I'm listening.
Sriracha: You gotta pick like a personality in it and it's like, "Brunchalite" is one of the ones that you can pick.
Asterios: I- okay, Sriracha and I have both become super into brunch.
Sriracha: We tried to make our own today, it didn't work.
Asterios: I thought it worked great! Are you kidding me?
Sriracha: I can't cook.
Asterios: You can cook. Th- those eggs- you ma- Sriracha made egg english muffins, they tasted really good.
Sriracha: Sriracha tried to make holiday sauce but Sriracha forgot that you can't include the egg whites in the holiday sauce so Sriracha included "Better'n Eggs" into her-
Asterios: [interjecting] Mhmm, low cholesterol egg substitute.
Sriracha: Into her holidays. So what Sriracha essentially made was a very very buttery scrambled egg.
Asterios: Yeah and they were fucking delicious.
Sriracha: To pour all over your eggs.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. I added eggs to my eggs and I had egg eggs, it was great!
Sriracha: Ay bitch I heard you like eggs [Asterios laughs], so I added eggs to eggs and added eggs on the eggs.
Asterios: Okay, why don't you plant a gun in one of the eighth graders lockers-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay, wow, alright we're yelling at Sriracha but planting guns is fine.
Asterios: I'm just saying, if these eighth graders are gonna steal your snowb-
Sriracha: [interjecting] You motherfuckers, let me tell you. Men? This is what men do. Men villainize women, like, [mocking male voice] "Oooh- oh you wanna hit a wasps nest with a bat oh crazy crazy women aren't they nuts? But let's kill your enemies with a gun."
Asterios: No, that's not what I- did I say shoot your enemies? Absolutely not.
Sriracha: Oh yeah no let's just pistol whip them. That's totally fine!
Asterios: That's not what I said either! I'm saying plant a gun in one of their lockers and frame them for a Columbine.
Sriracha: [interjecting] Wooww that's much better. Much better.
Asterios: They stole this poor fourth grader's snowball.
Asterios: Retributi- if anyb- Sriracha.
Asterios: If somebody took your snowball, I would go to the ends of the earth to find revenge against them. Don't touch my girlfriend's snowball.
Sriracha: I don't think I've ever made a snowball.
Asterios: [interjecting] Okay well wha-
Sriracha: 'Cause we didn't have snow until I went to college. I- I'd never seen snow until I went to college.
Asterios: What'd you think the first time you saw snow?
Sriracha: It was gross. It was disgusting.
Asterios: It is kinda gross. It's like rain that doesn't leave.
Sriracha: No, the only thing I was thinking was like, disgusting, like if this is rain and it's frozen, it's like, it's got like oil and dirt in it and it's all over my yard and my clothing. It's disgusting.
Asterios: Yeah. Exactly. The number one source of heart attacks for men is snow shoveling.
Sriracha: Is that true?
Asterios: Yes, that is absolutely true. Because like, shoveling snow is really difficult, and it takes a long time to do, and you're exerting so much physical pressure while you're in inclement weather. My favorite science teacher died of a heart attack because he was shoveling snow.
Sriracha: Are you joking is that real?
Asterios: No, why would I joke- Yes. I'm joking. It's a hilarious joke.
Sriracha: I'm not- I didn't say it was hilarious I'm just genuinely asking.
Asterios: Don't worr- why would I j- I wouldn't... why would I ever lie to you? I would never lie to you about anything. I'm too dumb to die. Lies require so much effort.
Sriracha: Lies are just so much wooork.
Asterios: That's the thing about lies! You gotta remember them forever. You gotta keep your stories straight. No. The truth is the easiest thing to remember.
Sriracha: I knew of snow before- because I grew- I went to high school in California and then I went to college in like the north-east New England area. I knew of snow, but the first time I saw it I was like, "gross." This is disgusting.
Asterios: Yeah, it's weird. Snow is like, if the sky
Sriracha: [interjecting] Took a shit.
Asterios: -taking a dump on your day. We were both on the same thing!
Sriracha: Yeah, and it's all over you and its just stuck on you.
Asterios: Yeah, and it's weird.
Sriracha: It's gross.
Asterios: Okay. So are you against the whole planting a gun plan?
Asterios: You're not against it?
Sriracha: I'm for- hardcore for planting a gun.
Asterios: Okay! Alright well that's one solution. Plant a gun in one of these eighth grader's lockers and then accuse them of planning a Columbine.
Sriracha: Actually, plant it inside the snowman, that they stole.
Asterios: Wait, what?!
Sriracha: You heard me.
Asterios: Okay. Plant a gun inside a snowman and then when the snow melts there'll be a gun there and-
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: -you can be like, "Hey these kids put a gun in the snowman." Arrest them all.
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: That's pretty good. Ano- hmm...
Asterios: What's a- what can- how can we- it, it's difficult. The difference between a fourth grader and an eighth grader is the difference between a welterweight and a heavyweight.
Asterios: A fourth grader is tiny and an eighth grader is huge. Maybe you could, okay, maybe you could... could you snitch on them? Could you tell their parents that they stole your snow? Nahh, that's not gonna work.
Sriracha: That sounds dumb.
Asterios: That does sound dumb. Um, how do you get an eighth grader back? I mean look, literally Sriracha, imagine there was a girl who was twice your size who was fucking with you. How would you- it's really hard, how would you get her back?
Sriracha: Not fuck her boyfriend.
Asterios: That's brilliant. You gotta fuck these eighth grader's girlfriends.
Sriracha: Or not! If they beg you to.
Asterios: Okay. You gotta become the most interesting fourth grader in the world.
Sriracha: In the world.
Asterios: You gotta start reading Sartre, and Nietzsche, and start watching all the Ocar nominated short films. Start dressing real smart. Get a copy of GQ and just copy it. You gotta...
Sriracha: [pronouncing Nietzsche] Neet-see.
Asterios: Be the hottest fourth grader in the school.
Sriracha: Is it pronounced "neet-see" or am I stupid?
Asterios: It's "nee-chee."
Sriracha: Okay, well I'm stupid so listen to this guy's advice.
Asterios: It's okay. Where did you hear "neet-see"?
Sriracha: So I have a pal, who's from Poland, who pronounces words to me, and the only thing that I know about Polish and Russian is from overhearing conversations with her and her mother.
Sriracha: So I'm pretty sure that [doing Polish impression] "nyeck yek pote chek yeat nat neet see a m' gop nip dep."
Sriracha: My imitation of Polish.
Transcriber's Note: And the text was my imitation of Sriracha's imitation of Polish.
Asterios: Well, it's interesting to me that your Polish best friend and her mother are constantly discussing a German philosopher who was hyper-focused on death.
Sriracha: Polish and German are really close to one another aren't they?
Asterios: I guess that- I mean that's true but it's like when friends came over to me mom's house she would talk a lot about... Oprah, or... "General Hospital". Not a philosopher who was heavily focused on death.
Sriracha: No, see it was so- totally funny because whenever I listen to her like- when uh, me and her went to go watch "The Dick Show" live? She made fun of the Dick Show the whole way home on the plane. She's like, "Nep nip shmm nep nep de the Dick Show bnep dib [Asterios laughs]" And that was also [unintelligible] and she's like, "Nep nik shpeh ne ne La La Land bep nik shmet, The Dick Show." [laughs] It was so funny because I could pick up just the paraphrases of this 'cause obviously she was sitting right next to me on the plane.
Asterios: Oh my God. Alright, final question: if your friend was here right now, how would she get back at these eighth graders?
Sriracha: You've met her, you know she's very mean.
Asterios: Yeah, that's why I'm asking.
Sriracha: What did they say the eighth graders do to her exactly?
Asterios: They stole their snowball.
Sriracha: I really really do think that this girl would get her back the only way she can which is through sexual violence.
Asterios: Oh my God! Jesus Christ!
Sriracha: Like she would start running a- like she would ask her mom if she could have sleepovers.
Sriracha: And her sleep-overs would be the only one in the school that could have boys in them?
Asterios: Uh huh.
Sriracha: And so she would be inviting girls' boyfriends and not them, to her sleep over, and then imply that she was fucking them. That's what my cousin is doing now, so I assume that's what this bitch would be doing.
Asterios: That's a really really really good way to get back at eighth graders. I have to say, Sriracha, I don't know any better way to humiliate an eighth grader, than to imply that they are being cucked-
Asterios: By a fourth grader. If you're cucked by a fourth grader-
Sriracha: You've got somethi- and your boyfriend's a pedophile.
Asterios: Yeah, A) You're dating a pedo, good job not. B) You gotta walk into the ocean. You gotta just take a long walk off a short pier, into the ocean, and then that's kinda it for you.
Sriracha: That's it for you.
Asterios: That's it for you. Well and that's it for this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! I'd like to thank everybody for watching and thank everybody for listening. Uh, Sri- you can, if you have any- if you know any kids that have questions, they can go to asterioskillsakid.com. Submit their questions in the form. Uhh, if you wanna support this show? You can go to Patreon.com
Asterios: /asterios. And I guess that's it.
Transcriber's note: Here's a link: https://www.patreon.com/asterios
Sriracha: It's great.
Asterios: Alright, well see ya next time!
Sriracha: [anime voice] Byeee!
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]