[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]
Asterios: Hey. It's Asterios Kokkinos and...
Asterios: Welcoming you to episode 4 of Asterios Kills a Kid. Thank you guys so much. Obviously just straight up from the top, if you have any questions or more importantly if your kids have any questions, they can go to asterioskillsakid.com. In our last episode, a kid wrote in and was like, "A kid stole my snowball an- my snowman what do I do? And I think we told the kid to plant a gun in...?
Sriracha: Right, in the other kid's locker.
Asterios: In the other kid's locker, right. Um, I didn't even know we had a voicemail line but someone sent us a voicemail about it.
Sriracha: Yeah you know I heard that and uh, good job Jesse, you're doin' a great job.
Asterios: Yeah, Jes- our producer Jesse we love you. Okay so I'm gonna play the voicemail and then uh, let's get your thoughts.
Man: [In deep voice] If someone stole my snowman to make a snow fort... I would pee on it.
Sriracha: [laughs] Well thank- thank you uh, last remaining Nazi in the world for-
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my god!
Sriracha: -sending that in.
Asterios: I mean I guess that's kind of no better than the- what we said, which was to- didn't you tell the kid to fuck the other kid's boyfriend or girlfriend?
Sriracha: Yeah, cuckoldry's always the answer.
Asterios: Yeah you- it's- well it seems to always be the answer from you. I think you said, and I quote, "What we need is sexual terrorism."
Sriracha: Sexual violence.
Asterios: Oh- oh okay is that what you said? Oh, so now you're suddenly remembering.
Sriracha: Yes. [laughs]
Asterios: Okay, well I mean I guess peeing on someone's snow fort is a kind of sexual violence.
Sriracha: You should write words on it, like the word "cuck". You could piss the word "cuck" into the snow fort. So I- I'm likin' this guy's idea. Thanks Joseph Mengele!
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my god. Um, uh we have another uh comment from somebody. Um- oh! Interestingly, another one of the callers - not callers but questioners from last time - remember that guy who was like, "My friends and I keep using like terrible language and like, we keep calling each other gay and-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah, they- they were callin' each other the gay word.
Asterios: Right exactly, and then it turned out like one of them was gay and then, you know. So they were kinda like, "Well what do we do?" Alright, so he writes, from CRINGE the edgelord, 16, "Thanks for answering my question. It was honestly pretty helpful, and I reevaluated some things about myself and the insults I should use."
Sriracha: Aaay we helped a kid!
Asterios: We helped a kid! We helped one kid!
Sriracha: We helped kill a comedy car- a budding comedy career though.
Asterios: Yeaah, I mean that's- look, there's en- I have enough competition. I don't need anymore comp- I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you.
Sriracha: Honestly yeah don't- just no more comedians. No more.
Asterios: Exactly. Yeah, we uh, we're all full up. Uh, another listener- okay quick listener comment, "How can you tell if it's more than just a fart?" That's Anna, seven years old.
Sriracha: Uh, if you have to force it you're not gonna have a good time.
Asterios: That's really smart.
Sriracha: Yeah, haven't you ever heard that?
Sriracha: Like if you have to- "A relationship is like a fart, if you have to force it it's probably shit?" You've never heard that before?
Asterios: I'm- I swear to god I've never heard that before [Sriracha laughs], and I swear to god that is both the most disgusting and most helpful piece of relationship advice.
Sriracha: Did we talk about shitting our pants last week? Or was that the week before?
Asterios: I don't-
Sriracha: [intejecting] Or have we never talked about shitting our pants?
Asterios: Or do we talk about shitting our pants so much that we can't remember?
Sriracha: When was the last time you shit your pants as an adult?
Asterios: I've never completely and fully shit my pants as an adult.
Sriracha: That's a fuckin' lie.
Asterios: It's not a lie.
Sriracha: You can tell the people.
Asterios: I've- I have t- I'm on the record, it's never happened. I've come close!
Sriracha: Oh well look at this guy over here. [laughs]
Asterios: Oh wha- what I'm not lording it over you. Alright, when was the last time you pooped your pants?
Sriracha: I told you, I uh had food poisoning. I shit myself in my apartment.
Asterios: How long ago?
Sriracha: Oh probably like a year ago?
Asterios: That's not very long ago. I was hoping you were gonna say, "When I was six years old." or something.
Sriracha: Oh, no- I mean I probably did shit my pants as a six year old [Asterios and Sriracha laugh].
Asterios: Alright well let's get to some questions. This is a- by the way, this is a very dirty start. It's uncomfortably dirty for me.
Sriracha: Oh hell yeah.
Asterios: This st- oh god damn it Sriracha alright.
Sriracha: [interjecting] I wanna hear about those sexy kids.
Asterios: Uuuhg! Alright, question number one, "Hey Guys I’m a big fan of the show and I would like you to help me solve a problem. So recently I’ve been seeing everything so negatively and I don’t get why, everyone always asks me what’s wrong and I don’t have any way to answer them because I don’t know. That jumbled mess summarized: how can I see the world more positively?" That's Spaghetti, age 14.
Sriracha: Hell yeah, clinical depression! Now we're in a topic that I can really- really grab my fingers around. This is like my- Stephen Hawking is to computers as I am to depressi- oh wait, no he was a physicist. Stephen Hawking-
Asterios: [interjecting] But he was a computer, that's the thing [Sriracha laughs] so like that's why you're confused.
Sriracha: Yeah, Stephen Hawking was to I dunno space and shit [laughs]
Asterios: [interjecting] I dunno. That guy seemed cool.
Sriracha: -crippling depression.
Asterios: Alright. So, I guess... hmm...
Sriracha: Listen kid, first thing I gotta tell ya is if you're feeling suicidal you're absolutely listening to the wrong podcast. [laughs]
Asterios: Oh god, yeah! Wait a minute- yeah! Our title kind of absolves us of- of any responsibility! If you listen to a show called Asterios Kills a Kid, you know what you're getting into!
Sriracha: Yeah, you know what, and I'll say this straight up 'cause I can say whatever I want uhh: Porg Chatter, our partner podcast - 'cause I don't want to associate what I'm about to say with Asterios Kokkinos, everybody's favorite good boy of comedy?
Asterios: I am good.
Sriracha: Anti uh suicide line.
Asterios: Wait, you mean call a suicide hotline?
Sriracha: Do not. Do not call them.
Sriracha: We are anti-suicide-hotlin- I- I am.
Asterios: [interjecting] Wait! Wha- why?
Sriracha: 'Cause they'll hang up on you if you're drunk, man! They'll hang up on you if you're drunk. And they'll tell you you're drunk and then hang up on you. I guess uh- the suicide hotline training the- they don't teach you that 72% of suicides they have drugs or alcohol in their system.
Asterios: Where are you getting this information? Is this coming from personal experience?
Sriracha: No ah- Google it! Google it. You are not allowed to call a suicide hotline when you're drunk.
Asterios: Okay. Okay. Wow. Um, ahh I guess unfortunately I kinda have to agree with you? Like, don't call a suicide hotline. That's just like some stranger that doesn't know what they're doing and they're not getting paid and they're probably just on some sort of prison release. You gotta like call someone you know, even if you're afraid to talk to them, because like someone you know has a vested interest in keeping you alive. Someone on a suicide hotline like- they just gotta get through these calls.
Sriracha: Are they volunteers? I don't even think they're paid.
Asterios: I have no- I- you know what? I have no idea. I am not authorized to give medical advice. I know very little about- wait, hold on. You know what? Wait. Reversal. Blanket denial. [soothing voice] Call a suicide hotline. [Sriracha laughs] Help is out there. [regular voice] Alright, so how do we help- okay. This guy is seeing everything from a negative perspective. How do we help this guy see the positive in the world? What about delusion? Like, here's the thing about delusion. If you just like say- if you wake up and you say to yourself like "I am the hottest boy in the world. I am smart and funny." Like if you just lie to yourself, all the time, I feel like the people who succeed are people who are constantly lying to others and themselves.
Sriracha: It's called uh, "daily positive affirmations."
Asterios: Wait what?
Sriracha: That's- that's a thing. Like where you wake up in the morning and th- it's uh- the only time I've seen it talked - I dunno if anybody actually did- does this - but I've seen it in those like smarmy business books. It's like a, you wake up in the morning and you reaffirm- you look in the mirror and you say things like, "I am smart. I am going to conquer the day. Everyone is jealous of my-" no I'm sure that's probably not one of them.
Asterios: Well why not go for it? Like, in for a penny in for a pound. "Everyone is jealous of me. Everyone wants to date me, but I will never date any of them. They can't touch my solid gold dick." Like, I'm sayin' go big or go home. Wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror, and just tell yourself a string of lies.
Sriracha: Well you don't- don't frame them as lies.
Sriracha: Frame them as things that aren't true yet!
Asterios: Ahh, but every lie is just a truth that's yet to happen. Like, the nice thing about like waking up and telling yourself a big list of lies is like, well what's the worst that happens? You end up believing it? Like right now, you think things are terrible, and you think you're terrible, and you think you're a big fat fatso, or you think you're not funny, or you think you're not smart or, you're being sued or you know- wha- things that other people think. Like, [Sriracha laughs] but the thing is: what do you got to lose by lying to yourself? What are you gonna end up feeling worse? I don't think so. It sounds like you can't feel any worse than you're feeling right now, if you're writing to us for help.
Sriracha: Yeah, for real. Um, yeah that's like that whole thing that's uh, a lie told a hundred times becomes true.
Sriracha: Or something?
Asterios: Yes, exactly! And if the lie is big enough, the people believe.
Sriracha: Alls you gotta do is you gotta believe it. Uh, Jordan Peterson talks about this in his book, "12 rules for Life" it's like uh-
Asterios: [interjecting] Uh oh.
Sriracha: -whenever you- you have to walk with your shoulders back, and your head up, because that puts off an air of like it- people think that people that are standing up straight know what they're talking about.
Sriracha: More than other people. So it doesn't matter if it's true or not; you just need to convince other people that it's true.
Asterios: Something that I often say is, if you say it fast enough, people will believe it. Like if you just slip it in there. Like um, you know for example like, [quickly] "Oh yeah I went to Harvard." Na- now, think about this, [slowly, pausing between words] "Oh. Yeah. I [clicks tongue] went to Harvard. DING" [Sriracha laughs] and then you make a gun finger? No one will believe that! Don't make any gun fingers. Definitely don't make the "BING" noise with your mouth. Don't do that. You gotta talk fast, walk tall, wake up in the morning and lie to yourself!
Sriracha: That's actually a... I don't mean to derail your- your idea but uh, the talking fast thing?
Sriracha: Uh, one of the most common signs that you can spot that someone is lying to you is if they're offering too much information?
Asterios: Yes! Yes, if the- if the lie is too comp- if the story you're telling is too complicated, it's a lie.
Sriracha: Uh huh.
Asterios: Just quick, "I went to Harvard." [still talking quickly] "I went to Harvard uh from 1994 to 1998 and I majored in business and I minored in psychology. I lived in the dorms on Beacon Hill, and I also uh- one of my classmates actually turned out to be Jennifer Laurence and I had no idea at the time!" Lies.
Sriracha: Yeah you gotta just make your- and what the fuck are we talkin' about this isn't gonna cure your depression.
Asterios: This absolutely will I'm not kidding. Like, I know that I'm pitching this in the ironic format for everyone else 'cause like, well we're here to entertain people. But I'm also absolutely telling you the truth. Wake up in the morning, write a list of lies. Wake up in the morning and tell the lies to yourself. And lie to yourself all day. Say to yourself, "I'm the hottest piece of shit in the world. How many times, Sriracha, have you met a girl who's like, kind of a six? But she carries herself like a 10, so she becomes an 8.
Sriracha: Everyone on Instagram. [laughs]
Asterios: Yes! That's exactly right!
Sriracha: Man you ever meet some of these Instagram models in real life?
Asterios: No. You?
Sriracha: I went to- I'm not gonna say her name 'cause I think it's gonna- this is actually embarrassing? You know my- my policy is usually uh, guns akimbo, I don't give a shit.
Asterios: [in background] Yeah. Yeah.
Sriracha: I'll tell you what people think- but this is actually kind of embarrassing. Uh, and one of- very very very famous Instagram model went to high school with me? Remember I've showed you pictures of her?
Asterios: I don't remember I'm sorry.
Sriracha: I'll show you pictures afterward. But she's like, a big one. She's got a lot of followers and she looks, real real good in her pictures but...
Sriracha: IRL [laughs], it's not- it's not nearly as on lock as one might suspect by looking at her photos. But she's amassed this million member cult following because she just knows how to carry herself.
Asterios: She knows how to- she knows how to walk, she knows how to talk, she knows her angles and she knows what dangles. And so do you! After you take our advice.
Sriracha: Uh yeah no my advice is uh, get on venlafaxine, it's awesome. [laughs]
Asterios: Oh! Wait a minute. Okay hold on. That's- alright do both.
Sriracha: Yeah, like if we're doin' serious conversations, uh, ge- get some help. I mean I know that came out in a mean way but tell your parents how you're feeling. They care about you probably, unless you- unless you're living in a fuckin' eighteenth century children's n- eighteenth century novel, your parents probably give a shit about your mental health.
Asterios: Ahh, that's true. Look. I dunno, the easiest wor- the easiest advice in the world is always like, "Get help. Seek help. Get a doctor." It's like, it's hard to find a doctor. Like, sometimes your insurance is shitty and like there is no doctor. Like, sometimes you don't have insurance. Um, like, but I will definitely say this. A very specific piece of advice we can give you is: venlafaxine is really good. The- the- that's the generic for "Effexor".
Asterios: Um, that's an anti-depressant? Or anti-anxiety medication?
Sriracha: It's both I think.
Asterios: Yeah, that actually-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Fuck yeah!
Asterios: Well, I mean, we're both on.
Sriracha: I'm on enough to kill a horse. [laughs]
Asterios: Yeah, and I'm on enough to wound a horse [Sriracha laughs]. And um, I started taking venlafaxine about three years ago, and it is the only antidepressant that I have found that works or me.
Sriracha: Man it really works for me but I keep fallin' off the horse. And then it's so hard to get back on, because the first couple days you're on it you- I mean I don't know if you do but I get these like, splintering headaches.
Asterios: Oh yeah?
Sriracha: And I feels like I swallowed a cart full of pennies.
Asterios: Oh god I didn't know that.
Sriracha: Yeah, and so then I'll just forget to take it and I'm like, "Oh well I really need to take it. because if I don't my brain's gonna melt. But if I do I'm gonna have all these- three days of these side effects." So yeah just rough through it, rough through the first couple days.
Sriracha: Get on that shit. It works. [laughs]
Asterios: Like, you know, there's no such thing as a pill without side-effects. I mean especially a pill that's designed to make your brain feel better? But, I- you know, I would hope that you wouldn't let that scare you. Because, I've been on this pill for maybe three or four years now, and it has been- it has benefited me immensely.
Sriracha: Yeah. It's the only thing that's worked for me too. SSRIs are bullshit. Uh, MAOIs, nobody prescribes those anymore.
Sriracha: Get yourself some venlafaxine.
Asterios: Yeah I've tried all of them. I tried um, I tried Lexapro a long time ago, I tried Wellbutrin, I tried Abilify, I tried Prozac, and venlafaxine worked right away, and it works really well.
Asterios: But also try the lies thing! Like, you can do them both.
Sriracha: Yeah, you can take pills and lies.
Asterios: Yeah, exact- I- I am telling you right now, there are some ugly-ass dudes, and they just walk into a bar with confidence and they just walk out with two honey's on their arm.
Sriracha: That's the best attractive quality in a man.
Sriracha: Oh yeah, are you kidding buddy?
Asterios: I'm not. And the thing is, what is confidence but someone who is lying to themselves about everything.
Sriracha: Of course, everybody's depressed.
Asterios: Yes! Everybody's depressed.
Asterios: Everybody's fat. Everybody's ugly. Everybody hates their job. But it's just like, the thing is, you will pass a lie detector test if you believe the lies.
Sriracha: Sometimes you'll pass just because. 'Cause they don't work that great.
Asterios: Right they're not great tests, but the thing is, when you're talking to a girl at a bar, she's a lie detector. If you believe. the lies. you'll pass. the test.
Sriracha: Or if you give the lie detector alcohol.
Asterios: Wha- Sriracha! [Sriracha laughs] Alright I'm getting to the next question. Alright. Noah writes, "How do i get more YouTube followers? I make epic YouTube videos but my only followers are related to me." And that is Noah, age 9. What can a nine year old boy do to get more youtube followers? I'm guessing he's already playing Fortnite.
Sriracha: Is that what the kids are into, Fortn- yeah! No, Ninja got to play with Drake-
Asterios: Wait what?
Sriracha: The other week. You didn't hear about that?
Asterios: I did not I'm sorry.
Sriracha: Oh my god that was all over, everwhere. I don't even know what Fortnite was before I heard about this story. Apparently there is some, like one of the top twitch streamers name is Ninja, and he look- he makes like something like half a million dollars every two months or something just streaming this stupid fuckin' game?
Sriracha: But he a- got to play with Drake, like Drake the rapper? And that was like all over twitter, 'cause everybody was real real into it I guess. I didn't tune in obviously because I don't care about- video games are for nerds.
Asterios: No, well obviously. Um, the other day was take your children to work day? And um - at one of my jobs - and I was like in charge of like entertaining the kids. And I was just like, I'm just gonna put Fortnite on. And everyone was like, "What's this? What's this, what's this? Why is someone running around building a house?" and I go like, "Ahh, don't worry about it." And the moment all the kids show up they're all like, "Fortnite Fortnite Fortnite! We love Fortnite Fortnite Fortnite!" It's like yeeup!
Sriracha: Is that like the new Minecraft? What is-
Asterios: [interjecting] Yes!
Sriracha: -the game about?
Asterios: It is- imagine if Minecraft was more entertaining. It has the- it's essentially Minecraft the first-person shooter, because you build a big fort - kinda like you do in Minecraft, you find things, you craft things - but, you then hide in that fort with a gun and shoot people trying to break into your fort.
Sriracha: Is it as jam packed with autism as Minecraft is?
Asterios: I'm not going to insult the autistic community, but I will say this: lot of kids love the Fortnite. Kids are all about the Fortnite. Boys, girls, age two, age twelve. They love the Fortnite.
Sriracha: They're lovin' this Fortnite. Okay, well uh- oh I'm gonna put myself- I'm gonna put myself in the role of my sixteen year old cousin here. She's hip, she's hot, she's trendy. She's the most popular girl in her school, according to my aunt for some fucking reason.
Asterios: [interjecting] Yeaaah, your aunt brags about that.
Sriracha: Have I talked about this before?
Asterios: Not on podcasts, but you've told me this and its very sad.
Sriracha: Dude my aunt is a fuckin'- I love her to death but she is not a good parent [laughs] if you're listening to this- which is bizarre because she used to work for uh child protective services? But um, she at one point told me uh, my cousin is on her uh cheer-leading squad, and apparently she's constantly getting in little spats with the other cheerleaders on the cheer-leading squad? And she was talkin' about- may aunt was telling me this, how my cousin is the - let's call her Katie - Katie is the most popular girl in her high school because she's the only one that's allowed to have sleepovers with girls and boys at them? So everybody, like the whole school wants these invites to Katie's sleepover. So Katie has uh, a friend named Alyssa? And Alyssa apparently didn't invite her to go to the mall with all the other cheerleaders. So she was like, "What the hell?" and they- apparently they were talking cr- Alyssa and her little posse was talking crap-
Asterios: [intejecting] About Katie.
Sriracha: About Katie, yeah.
Sriracha: So what uh my aunt suggested that Katie do was have a sleepover - a co-ed sleepover - and only invite their- the boys they were into? And other girls. And so they were like begging for an invitation to the sleepover and they didn't get one. And I'm like, "W-wait, so you- you- your- you holding this once a week?" and she's like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Just like, in your house." She says, "Yes." I'm like, "Aren't you afraid they're gonna be like, fucking, on your couch or something?" and she's like, "Yeah they probably are, I buy them alcohol." I'm like, "You are such a bad parent... [laughing] you're lit as fuck but you're probably not a good influence..."
Asterios: Counterpoint to that: look they're gonna be doing this anyay, shouldn't they be doing this in this- in the safety of someone's house? They shouldn't be getting drunk and having sex in an alleyway or in some car in a seven-eleven parking lot. Now they can drink and have sex in a comfortable environment.
Sriracha: Listen, alls I'm sayin' is I feel like there should be a happy medium between not- in-between "your sex-ed class consisting of passages from the bible" and "buying your sixteen-year-old liquor."
Asterios: No, I just wanted to try on the other side of that to see how it felt and it felt really gross. [Sriracha laughs] Um, she shouldn't- your aunt shouldn't be living vicariously through her daughter and her daughter's hand-job parties.
Sriracha: My aunt has once straight up told me, "It's so hard to get on the cheer-leading squad these days, 'cause I used to be a cheerleader in highschool." I was like, "Yeaah I know..." and she's like, "yeah you gotta learn all these stunts and stuff? When I was in high school alls you gotta do is be hot. Like you'd just show up and they'd tell you right there yes or no." [laughs]
Asterios: Did your- did your aunt live in like Beverly Hills [unintelligible]- I feel like your aunt lived in One Tree Hill or someth- like...
Sriracha: Dude I dunno.
Asterios: Your aunt's- your aunt's viewpoint is so warped- wait a minute! This has nothing to do with getting a seven year old more YouTube subscribers!
Sriracha: Oh yeah okay, so I was gonna put myself in the role of my cousin Katie. I think-
Asterios: [interjecting] Who's sixteen!
Sriracha: Right. Who- I think she would say, you need to make epic "YEET" videos. [laughs]
Asterios: Wait, what's just a regular "YEET" video-
Sriracha: [interjecting] YEET.
Asterios: -let alone an epic one?
Sriracha: YEET compilation videos? Or dab-
Asterios: [interjecting] What are you talking ab-
Sriracha: You could try dabbing on your teacher. [laughs] Kids love that apparently.
Asterios: My fifty-one year old boss told me what dabbing was. He had to show me what it was.
Sriracha: It's just a stupid dance move right?
Asterios: [interjecting] I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know what it was to "dab on them haters." I- I didn't know. [Sriracha laughs] Until I was on set on a commercial and my boss at one of my gigs was like, "Why don't you try dabbing?" And then the guy did the dab, and then my boss did the dab, and I was like, "Now I know what a dab is and I'll know forever."
Sriracha: Is that the boss with the kid who makes like two hundred thousand dollars a year flipping Supreme merch?
Asterios: No comment. Anyway, [Sriracha laughs] um. Okay. Alright. I will definitely agree with what you're saying. Dabbing on your teachers. Dabbing on bullies. Dabbing on girls. Alright Noah-
Sriracha: [interjecting] You gotta dab on something that nobody's ever dabbed on before though.
Asterios: That's- yes. Oh my, you gotta dab on cops.
Sriracha: [gasps] You know what people love?
Sriracha: You know what the people love? They love mukbang videos. So why don't you buy a bunch of food, make a mukbang, but first you dab on the food. [laughs]
Asterios: Okay, and in case you don't know what a mukbang video is Noah [Sriracha laughs] it's where you eat food into camera and- what do you talk?
Sriracha: You just talk about nothing. It's fascinating. I love them.
Asterios: Mukbang videos apparently come from like, they're- they started as like a Japanese trend right?
Sriracha: Uh, it's uh- I believe the word is "Korean".
Asterios: Oh, I apologize, um, a Korean trend where Koreans were really lonely and had no one to eat with so YouTubers started pretending to eat with people?
Sriracha: Yeah, it's really sad. They just stream themself eating, and I was watching a couple of hardcore Korean mukbangers - like these people who make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year mukbanging - and it's like they put hot pots, they c- uh, angle the camera so it looks like they're sharing it with you? And sometimes they'll take their chopsticks and like hold out a bite for you, and it's real sad.
Asterios: Okay, it's sad for them but, Noah, very lucrative for you.
Sriracha: You gotta YEET on those mukbangs.
Asterios: You gotta YEET, and dab- you gotta dab on that food, YEET on those mukbangs. And here's the thing Noah, I don't know if there are any seven year old mukbangers so: eat Captain Crunch, eat- eat Fruit Rollups. Like, Noah, you could essentially become the- a friend to the Internet. Noah, you're seven years old. I think what you gotta do is find out what's trendy, A.K.A. mukbang videos, dabbin' on cops [Sriracha laughs], having- having handjob parties apparently.
Sriracha: Don't dab on the cops kids. [laughs]
Asterios: No no, dab on the cops. And then, just, you're the seven-year-old cop dabber. You're the seven-year-old mukbanger. You're the seven-year-old guy that goes into Fortnite and just screams "Leeroy Jenkins." Like, [Sriracha laughs] what everyone else has done? Do the seven year old version of it. Copy all of their tags. Write really bombastic headlines.
Sriracha: A bunch of keywords-
Asterios: [in the background] Yup! Yup!
Sriracha: -in your title. Like, "EPIC FAIL Dab on Teacher In the Hood Gone Wrong".
Asterios: Yeah! "Gone sexual"
Sriracha: Gone sexual.
Asterios: "NSFW" You just- right now it sounds to me- I'm not kidding Noah, if the only people that are following you are your family then it sounds like your SEO game is
Asterios & Sriracha: Whack.
Asterios: You gotta get all the key- again, just- you know what Noah? Here's the thing: I want you to take a week off of making YouTube videos, and just watch them. And I want you to talk to your friends, ask them what YouTube videos they watch, and just make a list. Again, like, sometimes people try to solve creative problems by just going forward, like barrelling forward like a train. But- or you know or like a car. But the thing is if your tires are stuck in the mud, it doesn't matter how hard you hit the gas, you're not gonna go anywhere. Like, take a week off, put the camera down, step away from the emails, don't be constantly looking at your notifications, and constantly looking at your metrics. And just say to yourself-
Sriracha: [interjecting] "I'm gonna dab on a cop today."
Asterios: "I'm gonna dab on a cop. I'm gonna- if there's a fire truck I'm gonna see if I can interview the fire dog." Just do cute fun things that YouTubers are already doing. Stuff with pets. But again, just take a week, make a list of what's popular, talk to your friends, talk to their friends, find out what people are watchin'... and then just copy copy copy. Be an exact clone of it. Don't try to improve it. Just do it, because you're the seven-year-old version of blank.
Sriracha: You think uh, Candy Crush was an original idea? It wasn't.
Sriracha: They stole that. They stole that shit. I think they stole Angry Birds too. Not that company but the people who did. Yeah, no you could make- and try to combine as many trends as you can like-
Sriracha: "Fortnite dabbing in the hood mukbang" [laughs]
Asterios: Yes. If you're mukbanging- if you're- okay you're in a mukbang video, you're eatin' Captain Crunch with your left hand, you're playin' Fortnite with your right hand, and then every thirty seconds you pull out an air horn and you go "BWAAA BWA BWA BWA BWA" [Sriracha laughs] and then you dab on a cop.
Asterios: Everyone's watching that. Not just your family.
Sriracha: That's viral.
Asterios: That's going viral.
Sriracha: [interjecting] That's viral baby.
Asterios: That's going viral. Alright. I think we helped Noah. You think?
Sriracha: Yeah that's genius. We're so smart.
Asterios: Alright, we're the best. Alright... alright here's our last question, "Hey, I'm that 14 year old boy that you refused to fight on your live stream even though I offered you an all expenses paid trip here to the Bronx." I don't remember this at all!
Sriracha: I don't remember this even one little bit.
Asterios: I guess a lot of people are offering to fight me. "But anyway, I need help. I go to a very good high school in downtown New York City where a lot of the smart kids go. Along with this there are a bunch of IEP kids." I don't know what that means. Independent Education Program? "Even though I was put into this school for my high grades, the school social worker said I'd be better off if I'm with kids who have similar social skills."
Sriracha: Oh no.
Asterios: "Being one of the only kids in the group who isn't a complete fucking idiot, I'm constantly being tormented and harrassed all day for not being a," quote, "tard." [Sriracha laughs quietly] end quote. Use better language. "I'm not allowed to fight these kids [Sriracha laughs] because I'm a foot taller than most of them, so I'd be the first to get suspended in a fight, and also I try not to fight tards." again, language, "What do I do?" signed, George, age 14.
Sriracha: Okay well I'm lookin- I pulled up the uh Wikipedia page for "IEP," looks like one of the first- well, let me just put it this way: I'm not reading you a Wikipedia article but the word "disability" is in the first paragraph. [laughs]
Sriracha: So... when ya say George, can I call you "George"? When you say you- your teachers think ya have similar social skill levels... what prompted that conversation is the first thing I'm gonna need to know. Because I feel like you're leaving out - maybe intentionally, probably intentionally - an incident or a series of incidents that has led you to be in this situation.
Asterios: Possibly an incident or series of incidents of you threatening to fight people.
Sriracha: Very true! Very true, now-
Asterios: [interjecting] Seeing as you apparently threatened to fight me, and I guess I get threatened so much that I forgot about it.
Sriracha: Now uh, you seem to have a penchant for insulting or fighting the disabled? [laughs]
Asterios: [shouting] Hey wait a minute!
Sriracha: [after a pause] Don't let it- don't let it marinade for too long.
Asterios: Yeah look I g- I get it, please continue helping a fourteen-year-old fan of mine please.
Sriracha: Well you can't- wha- what is the question here? What do you do 'cause you can't fight them? Well obviously you can't fight them, you sped. This is America!
Asterios: [interjecting] Again... we really should...
Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay!
Asterios: "speds" and "tards" it's just- it a-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Of course you can't fight 'em young gentleman. This is America! We can't go around assaulting people, it's not the fuckin' wild wild west where you can just be throwin' drinks on people! I'd never have a drink of alcohol if that were true! I'd be throwin' drink left and right. I wouldn't even buy drinks I'd walk into a bar arms akimbo with glasses of whiskey and diet coke a blazin', "You get a splash in the face, you get a splash in the face. Everybody in this bar gets a splash in the face."
Asterios: [trying to get a word in] Uh, uh, uh.
Sriracha: What I'm tryin' to say is you can't fight 'em.
Asterios: I'm sorry, real quick: this is the second time you've today that you've said "arms akimbo." What do you think "arms akimbo" means?
Sriracha: Your arms, like, how Arnold Schwarzenegger holds guns.
Asterios: That's not what "arms akimbo" means.
Sriracha: What does it mean?
Asterios: It means, "Holding your hands on your hips, and having your elbows jutted out as if you're saying like, [scolding] "Young man, get over here!" This is arms akimbo.
<img src="/img/asterios-arms-akimbo.jpg" style="display:block;margin:auto;border:1px solid black;" alt="Asterios' head poorly photoshopped onto an image of a woman demonstrating the 'Arms Akimobo' stance." />
Sriracha: Why do they say "guns akimbo then?"
Asterios: Who says "guns akimbo?" Okay so-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Y- you're probably right.
Asterios: Sriracha's currently googling "arms akimbo". Um-
Sriracha: [interjecting] No you're right. You're right. I was wrong.
Asterios: I don't know where you learn some of these things-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay well you're gettin' a drink in the your face first. [laughs]
Asterios: Okay thank you, look, again, a lot of people are like, [whiny voice] "EEh! If you spit on someone it's assault! Why is that assault?" Because if it wasn't assault, everyone's faces would be covered in my spit.
Sriracha: [interjecting] Especially in New York. We have very strict laws about not touching one another because we need them!
Asterios: Yeah, yes we need them because we are animals. It would just be ptooey ptooey ptooey. I would be a Gatling gun of spit. Anyone that looked at me cockeyed would get a drink in their face-
Sriracha: [Gatling gun spit noises]
Asterios: -and some spit in their eye! So, George...
Sriracha: Look what we're trying to say is you can't fight 'em.
Asterios: Well yeah- it's just like, but the thing is... if a kid wants to fight all the time, he already has plenty of people telling him not to fight people. Like, he knows that. Here's what happens to George: he gets real angry and he loses control. George, here's what I think you have to do. I think you're looking at this all wrong. You're saying to yourself, "I'm better than these kids, I can't hold a conversation with these kids, I'm smarter than these kids, I'm taller than these kids, and I can't believe I- I've been put in this kid- you know- again you said, "I go to a very good high school in downtown New York City where a lot of the smart kids go. But, in my high school there's also a bunch of dumb kids." So, here's what you gotta do: you gotta take advantage of the fact that these kids are so dumb, and you need to turn them into your personal army. Ya gotta stop looking at their dumbness as a liability, and start to look at it as an asset. George, you can probably get your hands on some money and some candy. [Sriracha laughs] Like, you seem pretty smart and you're also pretty tall, like, you gotta start handing out candy and buddying up to these kids, and essentially making them like your little posse. And then you make them fight each other, and you make them, fight the people you don't like. Remember: a dumb person is just a slave you haven't made yet. Sriracha?
Sriracha: You see that video of those teachers that had a- I think it was even an IEP program- they were using the kids from an IEP program as a school Fight Club.
Asterios: I'm sorry what?!
Sriracha: You didn't see that story?
Asterios: [sighs] No. I-
Sriracha: [interjecting] There was a teacher runnin' a- like a school uh dog-fighting ring except "dogs" are "kids in the special ed. program."
Asterios: I swear to god George, that could be you.
Sriracha: This kid reminds me of- the way this kid's describing himself- have I ever told you the story about that weird kid in my high school?
Asterios: Tell me.
Sriracha: Oh okay uh, my high school had two weird kids. Let's make up names for them uh... Mike and...
Asterios: [in the background] Cernovich.
Sriracha: [laughs] Mike and Ben Shapiro.
Asterios: [laughs in background] Okay.
Sriracha: So uh, Ben Shapiro was a little weirdo. Ben Shapiro always came to school with his Sonic fan-fiction and would ask me to read it, and I even made an audio book of his [laughs] Sonic fan-fiction. It was about: he was in Sonic? And Sonic was his friend, and they were like, he played with all the hedgehogs, and stuff, and they- his best friend was a stick person that came to life because they- they were- they- I dunno the chaos emeralds or something, I don't remember. Little weird, had a [unintelligible] of weird hobbies, but overall, friendly.
Sriracha: Gregarious. Then there was uh, Mike. And Mike, in addition to being weird, was a fucking asshole [laughs].
Sriracha: Which is what this kid reminds me of. Um, this is the story- do you ever remember- was that a thing in your high school where kids would bring zip-ties-
Asterios: [interjecting] What?!
Sriracha: -to school?
Sriracha: Okay so for-
Asterios: [interjecting] What?!
Sriracha: For a hot second the fun prank: so w- at your high school did you have the one where the desk is attached to the chair?
Sriracha: Okay so we had those too. So the big thing in high school wou- like the prank that people would do is they walk over, and while you were sitting at their desk they'd take like the belt loop? From your jeans, and zip tie it to the chair. So you'd go to stand up and the chair would go with you and you're like, "Aahh you got me." and then you'd cut it off, right? So at one point in my math class - I remember this clear as a fuckin' bell - because it was [laughs] so bizarre. Actually uh, George, this is what you should be doing to all your classmates if you wanna make friends. 'Cause this was fuckin' hilarious. Uh, Mike is sitting and he's reading his book, and the kid that sits in front of him decides he wants to fuck with him. So he goes and he zip-ties his belt loop to the chair, and at the end of class the bell rings and Mike goes to stand up and- but instead of standing up like a normal fuckin' human, he shh- for some reason shoots out of his chair, like a rocket. Like a rocket this guy shoots out of his chair, and of course the desk comes with him. [laughs] And it clatters onto the ground and it pulls down his pants? And this kid lets out a bloodcurdling scream. A scream that could shatter glass. And starts running, around the room, with this desk following him, chasing behind him, he's making so much noise the teacher is yelling, everyone is screaming and laughing... it's very funny. So you gotta zip-tie some people to chairs. [laughs]
Asterios: Oh my god! You know, as horrible as that is-
Sriracha: [interjecting] He went to the IEP program after that.
Asterios: -it's still better to zip-tie someone to a chair than to threaten to beat them up! [Sriracha laughs] Baby steps! Alright. Yeah, 'cause here's the thing George: you can punch someone, and you'll feel good for a second. But bruises heal. The kind of pain you need to inflict is psychological.
Asterios: That kid will never heal from having that chair zip-tied to him. Having his pants pulled down, and apparently screaming like a porg or something.
Sriracha: They- oh my god I will- that is burned into my memory. I will never- it's like the Wilhelm scream. Anytime I hear a pitch even close to that my b- I'm transported back to tenth grade again.
Asterios: That's fantastic. So George, you gotta work smarter, not harder. Because the thing is in a couple years- look, you- it sounds like you've had your growth spurt early. Congratulations. In a couple o' years, you're no longer gonna be the tallest kid in the class. And if the only club in your bag is b- is offering to fight someone? That has a real short shelf life. But, if you can zip-tie people to chairs, if you can spread rumors about them, if you can make- if you can turn enemies into friends, and then make your friends fight your enemies, bang their girlfriends [Sriracha snickers], like spread rumors about the teacher. Plant drugs on someone.
Sriracha: Fuck the teacher.
Asterios: Fuck the teacher. Plant drugs on the teacher. Like, zip tie the teacher to the desk, plant drugs on him and fuck his girlfriend!
Sriracha: Zip tie the teacher to your bed and fuck the teacher, with drugs.
Asterios: Exactly! [Sriracha laughs] You- ya got to expand your repertoire George because you don't wanna be a one-trick pony. Here's someone you've never heard of: Tom Green. Here's why you've never heard of him: 'cause he only had like one joke. He was like, "I'm gonna do something horrible on MTV. I wanna do something horrible. I'm gonna suck milk out of a cow's udders," and it's just like, there's only so much you can gross out George. The th- look at Milo Yiannopoulos, like he's like, [Milo voice] "I'm gonna say outrageous things." It's like, there's only so many outrageous things you can say George and then all of a sudden you're not on the- you're not being interviewed anymore. Again, there used to be a lady named Anne Coulter. She would say outrageous things. There's a reason you've never heard of her George. At some point you run out. There is an entire spectrum of fuckery, and you gotta explore, you gotta paint with every color, and you gotta work with every brush. Sriracha?
Sriracha: What do you mean there used to be a woman named Anne Coulter? She's still all over the place.
Asterios: No she's not.
Sriracha: Yeah she is.
Asterios: Uh uhh. Her books do not- her books used to be best sellers and now the only way her books sell at all is when like conservative reading clubs buy fifty thousand of them at once to send to their member. Like, Anne- Anne Coulter used to be like invited to s- like keynote speaker seat pack, she'd be invited to all these schools to give these speeches and piss off liberals and it's like-
Sriracha: Oh she was like the Jordan Peterson of the day.
Asterios: Right I- what I'm saying is like, Anne Coulter was the hot cab- she was on the cover of Time magazine at some point where it was just like, "The Conservative the Liberals Hate" and now it's just like, "Oh, Anne Coulter uh... yeah I guess she tweeted something mean. So did forty thousand other people."
Sriracha: Did you see her uh, ama on reddit? It was one of the most downvoted things in the history of the world. [laughs]
Asterios: It doesn't surprise me at all.
Sriracha: Oh you know who I was thinking of? To- Tomi Lahren. Wha- the new-
Asterios: [interjecting] Tomi Lahren yeah!
Sriracha: The new dipshit that's constantly posting inflammatory shit.
Asterios: Yeah, it- yes, exactly, but the thing is the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Tomi Lahren: today, you're sayin' things like you know, "Hands off my gun!" and this and that and all this crap like... you know, "My second amendment protects your-" and like you're makin' sexy poses with handguns. It's like...
Sriracha: What the fuck is the new trend of women on social media sticking guns down their yoga pants? [laughs]
Asterios: I know. I know! I- it sp-
Sriracha: [interjects] Why?
Asterios: It's a trend! Because it gets people's attention today. But at some point, you're gonna- someone's gonna stick a machine gun down their yoga pants. And then someone's gonna stick two AK-47s down there. It's like, there's only so many guns you can stick down your pants before people stop paying attention and move on.
Sriracha: What is the biggest thing you can stick down your yoga pants, that's-
Asterios: [interjecting] The biggest gun!
Sriracha: That's what we're tryin' to say George is you gotta find the biggest gun-
Asterios: [interjecting] No!
Sriracha: Bring it to school.
Asterios: NO! We're not trying to say- what we're trying to say is, don't think like Tomi Lahren. You gotta think like... George. You gotta say to yourself, "What's in my heart. I wanna hurt other people to feel things." Right? Right. There's more ways to hurt people than just threatening to fight them. [Sriracha tries to speak] Because eventually- yeah?
Sriracha: Oh no I was just gonna say I think your fists are actually the least effective way.
Asterios: Yes! Bruises heal! Psychological scars don't. You gotta do something to kids that they're gonna be talking abou- about to their therapist in their thirties.
Asterios: Right. I feel like we've really helped a lot of people today Sriracha, I feel pretty good.
Sriracha: So what we're saying is bring a gun to school.
Asterios: NO! Stop saying that! Don't do that! Please say you're kidding! [pause] Anyway that's been [Sriracha laughs] Asterios Kills a Kid [laughs].
Sriracha: I didn't say loaded. Just bring it in to show your teacher how cool it is.
Asterios: Okay, this has been the satirical advice show, Asterios Kills a Kid [laughs]. Um, obviously, if you are a kid, or if you have a kid who needs our advice, you can go to asterioskillsakid.com, scroll to the bottom, there's a form where you can submit a question, um... you know. Uh, tweet at us, I'm @asterios.
Sriracha: Don't tweet at us if you're a minor attracted person. Don't listen to this show if you're a minor attracted person.
Asterios: Wha- where is this coming from? Wait, we- we were not talking about that at all.
Sriracha: I always think they- 'cause you say, "If you're a kid or if you have- if you're a kid, or if you're-" didn't you say something like-
Asterios: [interjecting] "Or if you have a kid."
Asterios: Yeah i- if you're a- a parent.
Sriracha: I love kids.
Sriracha: Keep writing to us kids. We really like talking to you. In an acceptable fashion.
Sriracha: [interjecting] As acceptable as it is for adults- much more acceptable for me than you.
Asterios: I still don't know why you brought up "minor attracted" at all? Here, I'm gonna try to move us- do you mind if I just- you mind if we just blow past that?
Asterios: Okay. [high energy] Go to asterioskillsakid.com [Sriracha laughs], send in your questions, and if you wanna hear episodes early, like sometimes a whole week early, you can subscribe to patreon.com/asterios for just a buck. Why don't you plug your twitch 'cause you're-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah why don't you follow me on twitch. We talk about child molesters a lot-
Asterios: [quietly] Can we...
Sriracha: - so... [laughs]
Asterios: You couldn't get sierrasantana?
Sriracha: I could not. I'm upset.
Asterios: Okay. And uh, I'm on twitch at asterioskokkinos. I think that's enough plugs. Um, thank you so much for listening, and uh... keep not killin' those kids!
Sriracha: Keep not bein' pedophiles.
Asterios: ... Good night.
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]