THE LOUDEST PODCAST

The Battle of Sanctions + We’re In Philly & NJ THIS WEEKEND!

June 13, 2019

PHILLY & NJ: SEE US THIS WEEKEND! We got two in-cred-i-ble shows:

Philly's got TLP Live this Friday, June 14th:
https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/4232153

NJ's got D&D Live this Saturday, June 15th. And I'll be playing with...THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE:
https://bvznewbrunswick.brownpapertickets.com/

And on this week's THE LOUDEST PODCAST we discuss The Battle of Sanctions. How bad did Judge Shrugsalot fuck up? Listen!

Dabbing On Straight People

June 9, 2019

Sirancha expresses her Pride.

Asterios imagines a porno involving Sheldon's spot.

And both weigh in on poor, sweet Mumkey Jones.

Get more madness at http://www.patreon.com/asterios

Christory #1: From Christopher to Christian

June 4, 2019

Welcome to Christory.

A limited series, just for Patre-o's, brought to you by THE LOUDEST PODCAST.

If you do not know who Christine Weston Chandler is, don't worry. Neither does Asterios.

By the end of the series, you'll be a "Christorian" on par with Sirancha herself.

Join us, won't you?

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

Can’t Understand Nathen’s Trade

June 2, 2019

Asterios channels his inner Nathen.

Sirancha gets real about GarfieldEATS.

You down with E.E.G.? Asterios' new therapist sure is.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#17: Entergaging In Toronto with Nathen Mazri (CEO, GarfieldEATS)

May 27, 2019

Asterios goes to Toronto.

Sirancha avoids a 14-hour bus trip.

And while discussing a Garfield-themed pizza restaurant, Nathen mentions:

Cryptocurrency
Artificial Intelligence
Farm-To-Plate Integrity
Venture Capital
The 22 Immutable Laws Of Branding
Licensing And Franchisee Models
QMR
NOT QSR
The Consumer Culture of Dubai
And how GarfieldEATS is NOT a Garfield-themed pizza restaurant.

We hope you will join us for the Grand Opening of GarfieldEATS in June.

(Or July.)

(Or August?)

#16: James Charles’ Bizzare Instagram Adventure

May 20, 2019

Sirancha Pokèmon GO-es trespassing.

Asterios wants Russell Greer to STOP doing everything.

And we finally review peoples dating profiles, LIVE!

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#15: What Are The Bases?

May 13, 2019

On THIS week's episode, we will finally determine...

...what the bases are.

Consider the debate ended.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#14: Bitching About The “B” Word

May 6, 2019

Once again:

We get to none of the topics we had planned.

#BlameSirancha

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#13: Entergaging w/Nathen Mazri (Co-Founder of GarfieldEATS)

April 28, 2019

Ladies & gentlemen...

...we got 'em.

Enclosed: an interview with Nathen Mazri, Chief Entergagement Officer of GarfieldEATS.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#12: Law School Virgin

April 22, 2019

Sirancha reads a book from a promising new author.

Asterios extols the virtues of The Big Bang Theory.

And god help JJ if there are no porgs in Episode IX...

patreon.com/asterios

#11: A Firing Squad of Dicks

April 15, 2019

Sirancha reveals the worst thing she's ever heard.

Asterios mansplains McDonalds to Sirancha, a former McDonalds employee.

It's the second worst thing she's ever heard.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#10: Everything You Wanted To Know About GarfieldEATS & Sex

April 8, 2019

Sirancha talks about GarfieldEATS.

And Sirancha talks about...GarfieldEATS.

#LOUDEQUALSFUNNY

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#9: Normal Porn For Normal People

April 1, 2019

Sirancha wants better porn for women.

Asterios has a few ideas.

Sirancha hates them.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#8: WackDonalds Secrets & Sirancha’s Survivor Screed

March 25, 2019

Asterios reveals the terrifying secret of McDonalds All Day Breakfast.

Sirancha is astounded at the longevity of Wendy.

(Wendy from "Survivor," not Wendy's from Wendy's.)

(Who we also love.)

patreon.com/asterios

#7: To Catch One, You Must Be One

March 18, 2019

Sirancha loves Cilantro.

Asterios hates ASMR.

And Tallard sees...beyond the veil.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#6: Fan Unboxings + Sirancha’s Survivor Showdown!

March 11, 2019

Sirancha is enraged at this year's Survivor twist.

Asterios opens a very emotional gift.

And both want you to play Tiny Bird Garden.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#5: Asterios Kills A Kid Presents, “Hard Up For Heroin!”

March 4, 2019

The kids want their heroin.

It's our job to...help?

And: Asterios plays a dangerous game of Would You Rather.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#4: Waifu Wars LIVE!

February 25, 2019

It's like Sirancha always says:

"You cant watch anime without seeing a little brother-fucking."

FFS.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#3: Who Is The Worst Fictional Animal?

February 18, 2019

Sirancha hates Chewbacca.

Asterios hates Bambi.

And our lovely callers hate making sense.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#2: Memes Are A Secret Shame

February 11, 2019

Sirancha has some sharp opinions on the Shaggy meme.

Asterios insists Porg Chatter isn't dead.

And a pornographic comic book featuring our hosts gets some story notes.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

#1: Three Foot Resting Beauty

February 5, 2019

IT'S THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE LOUDEST PODCAST!

THE LOUDEST PODCAST ON THE INTERNET.

HOSTED BY SIRANCHA & ASTERIOS KOKKINOS.

WE LOVE YOU.

http://www.patreon.com/asterios

Porg Chatter #13: A Porg Chatter Christmas

December 25, 2018

Last minute gift ideas for your porgs! Birds in diapers! Sexy lady foxes! And WHO is...Lego-lass??

All this and MORE in this very special episode of Porg Chatter. Happy Holidays!

Asterios Kills A Kid #9: Too Many Edgelords (with Mumkey Jones!)

December 20, 2018

YOUTUBE HATES HIM. Mumkey Jones teaches kids this one weird trick to solving interpersonal conflict at school.

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Asterios Talks To Strangers #5: Metal Gear REBUTTAL With Metal Gear Expert Merlot Williams

December 13, 2018

Last week, I spoke to Metal Gear Continuity Expert Drivershaft. I learned about ALL the snakes, even the fake snakes who AREN'T snakes, and I THOUGHT I knew all about the snakes!

But THEN...a guy named Merlot Williams contacted me and said Drivershaft didn't know SHIT about Metal Gear, and HE, Merlot Williams, would set me straight!

WHO KNOWS THE MOST ABOUT METAL GEAR?! Vote!

http://www.strawpoll.me/17020253

Asterios Talks To Strangers #4: Metal Gear Continuity Expert Drivershaft

December 6, 2018

A podcast to surpass Metal Gear!

There, that's pretty much all I know about this game. That, and he hides under a cardboard box, and that he did that in Smash Brothers, and it was cute. But it's about time I get hip to this Snake-man and his neverending war against-or-for communism in the 1970's. So I sit down with Patreon supporter and Metal Gear expert "Drivershaft" to finally learn enough to fake a conversation!

As a bonus, here's clips of me dying during Metal Gear: Ground Zeroes

https://clips.twitch.tv/DeadNiceAnteaterHumbleLife

https://clips.twitch.tv/PiercingBoxyOrangeOMGScoots

https://clips.twitch.tv/PluckyTallToothStrawBeary

https://clips.twitch.tv/NeighborlyAbrasiveSaladBloodTrail

Porg Chatter #12: A Porg Chatter Thanksgiving

November 22, 2018

This week, we discuss the crypto crash, Asterios' awful alarm clock, The Good Doctor, mailed-in-a-box meats, MadBondz, drug addictions, McDonalds cups, and...PORGS-GIVING!

Art by the amazing Magi. They did it for free just to be cool, so please follow them at @magipicsandsuch on Twitter!

Generic Wrestling Podcast #4: Generic Forced Interbrand Conflict PPV

November 17, 2018

Hey, our 4th PPV in a month. This doesn't feel like work to follow, that's for sure! We break down the Survivor Series card, Eric reminisces about the Miz's old face turn, and I pitch a surefire way to fix Auska's booking that the WWE will NEVER do. Enjoy!

Asterios Kills A Kid #8: Satirical ID

November 9, 2018

What to eat when you're high, how to get a fake ID, and more kid's questions are discussed SATIRICALLY with SATIRE this episode.

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Voyagerges 002: Creative Differences

November 1, 2018

What do you do when you're three seasons deep and out of ideas?

You get META, baby!

This week, we discuss VOY 3x24, "Worst Case Scenario."

Read the rest of this entry »

Waifu Wars 007: The Criminal In My Apartment

October 30, 2018

WATCH HERE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvDS-x3Ohcc

ok forget the cartoon girls i should not have let these three people into my apartment and given them my cell phone number. they're all insane. each one crazier than the last. one of them goes off on supervillian monologues and the other made a "joke" about carrying illegal weapons then quickly tried to correct his "joke" but it's like...dude, we know. anyway, it's a girl from my superhero academy vs a girl from "kill a la kill" vs a third girl on this week's waifu wars!

Porg Chatter #11: Orlando: The Mecca of Porgs

October 25, 2018

Henlo it’s Skinachos. Asterios won’t let me watch anime until I write this post copy, so enjoy this episode of Porg Chatter before I put myself in an Idolm@ster coma like the worthless piece of human garbage that I am. Speaking of rotting garbage, in this episode, we return from the Mecca of Porgs: Orlando, Florida. I have recently come into possession of three new sons:

Caffeine (a coffee cup with a lobotomy)

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Generic Wrestling Podcast #2: Generic Australian Government Funded Entertainment Event

October 4, 2018

Who won "The Hell In The Cell?" Certainly not the people who paid hundreds of dollars to not see a finish!

But also: not me. I think Eric beat me by a point or two -- I called The Shield to win both the tag match AND the cage match, and I was dead wrong. Who'd guess the WWE would start protecting its heels?!

This month, we suss out who'll win or lose at The Great Australian Bash, or whatever the hell it's called. And: from now on, we'll be streaming these episodes LIVE, right after the go-home Smackdown, at 10pm EST. So subscribe to youtube.com/asterios for a notification!

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Asterios Kills A Kid #7: Women Sure Are Complicated

October 4, 2018

Boys Discover These 3 Tricks to Finding Love. Can You Guess Them All? (Hint: Fortnite)

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Asterios Talks To Strangers #3: Zwick Appreciation Week!

October 1, 2018

More people could use a little Zwick in their lives!

That's why I'm launching ZWICK APPRECIATION WEEK. It's a campaign to tell content creators about America's Favorite Editor Boi, and find ways for them to work together.

Why would I share my secret weapon? Because he's so goddamn good, I know he could help a LOT of people. Podcasters would sound better, YouTubers would have crisper looking videos...he could make everyone's stuff funnier and lives easier!

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Porg Chatter #10: Tallard

September 27, 2018

Ohayo gozaimasu! It’s Srirancha back with a brand new track—and it’s a new episode of Porg Chatter!

Yesterday, I got so high that I forgot how to work my own limbs. But you know whodoesn’t need help using his arms and legs to move her fat lil body? Not Tallard, my new 4ft tall porg—she’s massive. And also not real. I recently made a video on Twitch unboxing Tallard, which some of you Jesus-needing fucks apparently found sexual. There’s nothing sexual about the pure unbridled love between a girl and her 4ft tall chubby baby. On this episode of Porg Chatter, we review Tallard and discuss whether or not she came from an abusive household. Thanks for listening!

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The Asterios Showkkinos #0-B: Sanctions Away, Maddox!

September 26, 2018

Break's time's over, Maddox!

Today, the dashing & debonair Jordan Greenberger asked for sanctions to be scheduled against Maddox, "Jane Doe" & Kevin Landau.

Maddox committed a fraud on the courts...and it's time to face the RAMOS-FICATIONS!

Read the full letter at: https://iapps.courts.state.ny.us/nyscef/ViewDocument?docIndex=Lu7HI_PLUS_8lGOQRbpqGpKI4jw==

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The Five Minute Podcast: Island Time

September 21, 2018

Sirancha and I are in Orlando writing a new book and visiting my MOMMY!

We were doing some classic shitposting at the classic chain restaurant "Bahama Breeze" when longtime listener Brady offered us $15 to do a 5MP right on the spot.

So I whipped out my iPhone and hit record...here's what happened!

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Generic Wrestling Podcast #1: Generic Hell In A Cell Main Event

September 16, 2018

I love wrestling, and I bet some of the people in this audience do to!

In this new show, me and my old college bestie Larnock The Destroyer predict who's gonna win WWE PPV matches each month.

We keep score, and the loser has to suffer a deliciously ironic punishment.

It's like an Oscar pool, but with even less logic!

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Science Friction 024: Longboned

September 14, 2018

We're back! After a long hiatus spent making 983 other podcasts, Science Friction warps in with all-new episode!

And this time, we embrace the NEW. Forget that crusty ol' TNG – this week, we review episodes of 2018's hottest sci-fi shows, including Lost In Space, The Expanse and Altered Carbon.

Never heard of those shows? Me neither – I googled "new sci-fi that the kids like" and just rolled with it, baby!

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Porg Chatter #9: Porg Law

September 7, 2018

The fuck? I'm not even IN this episode! Some Asterios Kokkinos Podcast Factory this turned out to be...here's the description from the Mother of Porgs herself, Siranche:

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The Asterios Showkkinos #0-A: The Parker Luck

September 4, 2018

It's The Parker Luck, and I've got it bad. And that's good news for Maddox.

BUT: eventually, Peter Parker wins. You can't run from justice forever, George!

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The Asterios Showkkinos #0: The Ticking Clock

August 30, 2018

I'm being sued. I'm still being sued. I might be being sued forever. Here's the story!

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Asterios Kills A Kid #6: Kick His Hopes & Dreams

August 23, 2018

For the first and last time, Asterios kills some adults.

Producer Jesse here! We've had a whole gaggle of callers since our last episode went live, which is great. Thank you all so much for leaving your voicemails at (347) 705-7617, and for submitting questions through the site.

That said, you all know this is a kid's advice podcast right? Because a few of these callers were obviously not... well here's a taste of the voicemails we received.

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Voyagerges #1: That’s Not How Evolution Works

August 16, 2018

Is Voyager as bad as we remember?

As a kid, I gave Voyager like 6 episodes before getting bored. And I remember thinking to myself, "That's weird, I literally cry if I miss an episode of Deep Space Nine. Why don't I care about this show?"

I didn't hate Janeway, Chakotay, or Tuvok. I didn't hate the ship, the CGI or the music. I even liked the premise -- Star Trek meets Lost In Space, which was a show I knew an UNUSUAL amount about for a teenager in the 90's.

In the 2000's, the internet becomes a Voyager hate machine. The internet hates Voyager so much that I start to think, "God, was it THIS bad, or were we just disappointed in Star Trek as a whole?"

In the 2010's, the internet becomes a Voyager LOVE FEST. Everyone's watching it on Netflix and talking about how it had "a lot of good episodes" and how "Seven of Nine was pretty great" and "Robert Picardo was awesome" and I think:

Wait, was I wrong about Voyager?

So that's what this new addition to the Asterios Kokkinos Podcast Factory is all about. I'm gonna talk to Voyager fans and watch Voyager episodes and see if I can figure out what the hell's going on here.

I hope you enjoy our first episode, featuring Ballard Boyd, segment director for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert!

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Porg Chatter #8: Hygiene

August 9, 2018

Sirancha continues to torture me with her "Best Debate" parody series in this week's episode of PORG CHATTER!

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The Hour-Long 5 Minute Podcast #3: Mech Romancer

August 2, 2018

patreon.com/asterios, my dudes

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Waifu Wars 006: Please Ignore Those Gunshots Outside with Assburger & Mumkey Jones!

July 31, 2018

please support me on patreon so i can continue to buy crab pizza for the people who come to my apartment: http://www.patreon.com/asterios

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Porg Chatter #7: There Is No Porgcast

July 26, 2018

Sirancha and I have a new porg!

He's Wallard's brother, but he's very small, so his name is...SMOLLARD:

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Asterios Kills A Kid #5: Big, Soft & Cushiony

July 19, 2018

To Catch a Thrift-Shop-Owner, getting mean taunts out of your orbit, and what to do when you discover your teacher's twitter account...

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Asterios Talks To Strangers #2: The Phone Losers

July 16, 2018

What if you could make your living by pissing people off?

That's what Brad Carter of The Phone Losers does. He's a professional prank caller, having made over 30,000 calls since the late 70's.

He puts out FOUR shows a week (two just for his patreons), was called a "corporate terrorist" by CNBC, and is currently on probation for prank calling a Safeway so hard that they ran crying to the FBI.

He's a genuine comedy hero of mine, and I hope you enjoy our chat!

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